Pink Thumb

I am not a green thumb. It’s more like black but I’m softening the blow and calling it a pink thumb. Moral of the story is: I don’t like gardening and it doesn’t like me. “Why me?!?” I cry out to the dead flowers looking up at me from the weed ridden flower bed. My grandmothers are both fantastic gardeners with flower bed upon flower bed of full, brightly colored, beautiful blooms and gardens filled with nature’s bounty. My dad even has a knack for it from working in a plant nursery all thru high school. But somehow the gardening gene skipped right over me.
I’ve bulleted a few reasons why I am not a fan of gardening:
*It messes with my tan. If I’m going to be outside I need to be in a position that maximizes tanning potential. I embrace most everything about the farmer lifestyle except for the eating of the animals they raise and the farmer's tans.

*Watering everything I plant is a lot of work so I rely on nature and the rain to do the work for me. Obviously, this can be detrimental to my flowers/veggies should we be experiencing a dry spell which unfailingly we do immediately following any planting I do. Even if it rains, it mysteriously misses everything that needs the water. Weird huh?

*I already have 5 humans and 40+ animals to keep fed and watered anything beyond that is really a stretch. One more thing to keep alive. That’s a lot of pressure.

*Weeds, stupid weeds. And not the kind I can package up in little baggies and sell for a profit. Kidding!

*You can’t pet or cuddle with plants and flowers. This is why I prefer my animals to flowers and plants.

*I am really really BAD at it. I’m not proud of this but am trying to make you understand how clueless I am when it comes to gardening. For the past 30 years of my life, I could not figure out why I could never get my 6 pack of flowers to fit in those stupid trays meant to hold a bunch of 6 packs properly. Until just the other day when I realized you do not try to put them sideways so that the middle of them rests on the middle of the long tray, you instead put them long ways. It was like I had an epiphany when I discovered this by accident the other day. No wonder my flowers always fell off those trays. How could I not have known this?

But this spring just like every other spring I tried to pretend that I really can grow stuff, besides dandelions and thistles. As I wandered the garden center aisles I had grand visions of our yard looking just like the cover of Better Homes & Garden so I loaded up my flat bed full of flowers, shrubs, plants, mulch, seeds, and most importantly, cute gardening gloves. On the drive home I gave myself a little pep talk that went a lil’ something like, “this will be the year that I’ll make this gardening thing work. I will keep everything alive and not let the weeds win.” The momentum continued as we unloaded the treasures and prepared to get down and dirty. If the stars are aligned, I start planting right away. But if for some reason I can’t plant as soon as I get home from garden shopping the plants chance of survival decreases by approximately 80%. I get distracted easily so if it doesn’t get done right away it slips a few slots in the priority list and if it doesn’t rain they are in plant peril.
So I went thru the above process last week when we decided it was time to plant stuff at the Koons Zoo. I managed to actually get everything purchased planted with the exception of the flowers and plastic containers they came in, that Akala the Great Dane puppy ate for lunch. GI Joe planted the manly stuff like bushes and trees but not so much the flowers and veggies. We are officially done with our spring planting, garden and all (thank goodness) and believe it or not they’ve even been watered and it hasn’t rained! But I just want to show you that even though I've been doing everything right this is what I get.

Alot of this.

And only a little of this.

Here is the main garden before we planted anything in it:

Here is what it will probably look like in 3 months when we've harvested 1 ear of corn, 3 green beans, and 5 peas from it. Seriously.....

GI Joe knowing my history of planting flowers in the ground only for them to be overtaken by weeds and dry out and die shortly thereafter built me these...weed free boxes!

Aren't they adorable? Now if I could just remember to water these flowers and keep them alive they'll be perfect.

I'm thinking about bringing dandelions back. You know like Justin Timberlake brought "Sexyback?" I'm going to put up a sign on the road (next to the Peacock Crossing sign) that says "Dandelion Patch" pick it yourself $5 per bushel. People will think I'm making the next landscaping breakthrough. So when you see dandelions popping up in deck planters across the country, remember you heard it here first.

So if you have any good gardening tips that may help my dreams become reality, by all means let me know. I need all the help I can get, obviously. Or maybe I'll just post this ad in Sunday's paper.

Wanted: Full time good looking Gardener to pull weeds, water as needed, prune, keep all canine,feline, and peacock friends out of the flower beds and gardens, and raise flowers and plants to their maximum potential. Must be willing to work for tomatoes.