Hillbilly Hilarity

Insomnia, Banana Pudding & Movies

2012-01-11T20:38:00.000-06:00

I woke up at 4 today, as in 4 in the AM, to the smell of our house burning down. Of course this alarmed me so I got up and lo and behold (and thankfully) the house was NOT on fire. But the burning smell I smelled was coming from the lovely concoction of spices and orange rinds in water that I had simmering on the stove...all night long. Oops. Gone was the homey, cozy, smell of cloves and cinnamon and citrus and in it's place the smell of burnt orange peels which bordered more on the side of disgusting than cozy. I do that sometimes, not the leave the stove on all night, well that too, but put some water in a saucepan and add in leftover orange rinds or apples and spices and let it simmer. It makes the house smell delicious and also puts some humidity into the otherwise dry winter Iowa air. Try it sometime, it's fun, just remember to turn it off when you leave or go to bed. This has been a public service announcement, you're welcome.

Once I put out the alleged fire aka turned off the stove, I went back to bed but instead of going right back to sleep I was wide awake. My mind was racing and all I could think is "I should get up and blog..or read that new book I started...or do laundry..or...clean the bathroom...or...." Wait, what is happening, am I really thinking about getting up and being productive at 4:10 IN THE MORNING?!?!? It's like I don't even know who I am anymore.

After much internal debate, I decided to get up and do something because it was obvious at that point there was no going back to sleep. I thought I'd have a good hour til I had to start getting ready for work and was so excited to use my "free time". Except that I must've internally debated longer than I thought because when I stumbled to the kitchen to start the coffee (4am wakeup=coffee ASAP) it was 5:15, my normal wakeup time. Plan failed. Oh well, while laying there debating I basically wrote this blog post so win...I think. You be the judge.

Some things that were keeping me awake that I feel like I MUST TELL YOU are as follows:

*No matter how tacky and outdated it is, I do plan on doing a National LamKoons Christmas Vacation blog post. It may be February but it must be documented, it was fabulous. And I think by now you should know, I dance to the beat of my own drummer or write posts 2 months after the event happened, whichever. Speaking of outdated posts, yesterday I came across a half written Halloween recap. Uggh, and it was a good one too. I'm so mad at myself for not posting it in a timely manner, like in say, December. I can't say with certainty that I still won't post it, maybe after the Christmas post because you know, that makes sense.

*A couple weeks ago Man Vs. Food had world's best banana pudding and then the very next day banana pudding was once again mentioned on a blog I read, and those 2 events caused me to think nonstop about making southern style banana pudding. That is how my mind works, a seed is planted and then I obsess about it until it comes to fruition. Sidenote: I've never been a banana pudding fan, I like bananas but I think it was the Nilla wafers that turned me off to it. This could also be that it was always "northerner" banana pudding, instant banana pudding, sliced bananas, cool whip and nilla wafers. In fact, I can't tell you the last time I'd had banana pudding but suddenly I was obsessed with making it, the right way. The power of suggestion works well on me, I'm basically an advertiser's dream girl. After an extensive internet search, I decided to go with Miss Paula Deen's Banana Pudding recipe as seen here. If anyone knows southern food it'd be her so I trusted her. You guys? This was AMAZING. I should've photographed it because not only did it taste delicious but it looked fancy too. I wanted to take a bath in it. It made a 9x13 pan and the 5 of us polished that pan off within 24 hours and we're not even dessert people. Even if you think you don't like banana pudding, give this a try, I only used 2-3 bananas instead of the 6-8 it called for and I think you could even get by without any bananas if you wanted. It's all about the pudding anyway, oh the pudding. And I love that the Nilla wafers got the boot for something more sophisticated and delicious. And now my mouth is watering, great.

Besides eating copious amounts of banana pudding, we saw a lot of movies over the holidays and I feel it's my civic duty to share with you my reviews.

"The Muppets"-seriously. Since they first saw the trailer for this last summer, GI Joe and the kids had been counting down days to this movie. Yes, GI Joe, he loves the Muppets and made it his goal in life to pass that love on to his children. He's a walking mystery, that guy. Anyway, the movie was sweet and cute and had that level of absurdity that you expect from a Muppets movie. My favorite character is Miss Piggy (for obvious reasons, one being that according to my family our personalities are strikingly similar) also her hair was phenomenal in this movie. In fact, I loved it so much that when I had a hair appointment for highlights with my Smom the week after the movie, I told her to make me Miss Piggy blonde. Hair color inspired by Miss Piggy? Yes please. Speaking of my Smom and the Muppets, funny story. The weekend we went to see the Muppets, my sister Heidi and her family were in town, and my Dad, Smom and other sister Brandy had planned to come over from Council Bluffs to go to the movie with us. They were to meet us at the theater. Our families got to the theater, bought our tickets, and got situated in the theater and were waiting for Dad, Smom and Brandy. GI Joe waited in the lobby for them and was texting back and forth with them to get an ETA. They didn't show and didn't show even though they had told GI Joe they were pulling into the parking lot, etc, etc. Eventually, GI Joe and my Smom put two and two together and realized they were at the WRONG THEATER! They'd already bought their tickets and movies at both theaters were just starting so the 3 of them, Dad and Smom in their 50's and sister Brandy in her 20's, sat thru the Muppets movie all by their lonesome sans kids. Can you imagine what the other moviegoers (with their children) in their theater thought? "Pedophiles" or "Oh how nice they took their special needs child out to a movie" (she's not actually special needs but why else would parents be taking their 28 year old daughter to the Muppets movie?), it still makes me giggle.

*"Chipwrecked"-I never claimed that we had sophisticated tastes in movies. We loved the first two Chipmunks movies. In them, the music was awesome (I bought the soundtracks!) and the writing was hilarious. This one was just ok. I didn't think there was enough music, I definitely won't be buying the soundtrack, and it didn't have as many great quotable lines like the last two. Whaaaat, you don't quote Chipmunks in your house? Have you never met "the Looooooooove doctor?"

*"We Bought a Zoo"-When I saw the previews and movie posters for this movie I thought it was basically made for me. I mean, zebras? A zoo? Someone who has no idea what they're doing with the aforementioned zoo? Fughettaboutit. It was a good movie with a solid, heartwarming plot BUT I wanted to see a little more of the animals and a lot less forced romance between a 13 & 14 YEAR OLD. While it was total G rated romance, (they used the "L" word and hugged) that whole storyline was awkward and weird. Also, about those zebras shown on every movie poster plastered in the theater? FALSE ADVERTISING. You only see a glimpse of a whole zebra and then their feet one other time. So if you're going to see this movie for the animals, rent Zookeeper instead. But if you're going to see a heartwarming story wherein buying an abandoned zoo helps a family heal, go for it. 3.5 stars. Final answer.

Wow, that was quite a post I wrote...in my head...at 4am. I have much more to talk to you about but this is a start. Talk amongst yourselves and to me, what movies have you seen lately? Also, what are your thoughts on banana pudding? These are the pressing questions that keep me awake at night, or 4am. That and the smell of burnt orange peels.

What's In Your Washer?

2012-01-05T19:10:00.000-06:00

I abhor laundry, I really do. Except for the putting stuff in the washer and then switching it to the dryer and the smells of laundry soap, those parts I enjoy. But the folding and putting away? Fughettaboutit. But lately, as in for about the past 8 years lately, the laundry is like a scavenger hunt or a box of chocolates, you just never know what you're gonna get.

I've found some very interesting things when I switch a load over from the washer to the dryer. Take for example, THE ONCE-LIVE FROG I found one summer's day or the apple slices or the BANANA PEEL. These kids? Apparently, they have magician's pockets.

But tonight, I hit the motherlode. Tonight I found the following, that's right ALL of this: a fishing lure (ummm we haven't exactly been fishing lately so either this lure has been snagged in a pants pocket since summer and survived many washes or someone was trying a little ice fishing sans the ice), an M&M's candy wrapper (at least it wasn't a full one...THIS time), a nickel (my payment, i'm totally underpaid), a plastic frog (I was almost happy to see a PLASTIC one instead of the real thing), a DS game (surprisingly, it still works), a bullet casing (GI Joe got a new gun and was doing some target practice but he claims it was Ryder collecting the casings not him..uh huh sure), and finally...a SPOON. Because who doesn't walk around with a spoon in their pocket? You know, just in case you find yourself in an emergency yogurt situation.

Yeah, I probably should check pants pockets before putting them in the wash but who has time for that?!?!?

Your turn, what's the weirdest thing you've found in your washer or dryer? Speaking of odd things in dryers, have I ever told you about the time I *accidentally* dried GI Joe's (ancient) cat that he'd had since before long before I was in the picture? Oops, still haven't lived that one down. In my defense, she jumped in there herself when I went to answer the phone AND was only in there for half a cycle until I realized that the thumping I kept hearing was not the straps on my shortalls (do you remember the days of the shortalls? those were dark fashion times) and opened the door to discover a very dazed cat who was now missing a few teeth staring back at me. She survived but oddly enough, was never the same. And GI Joe? It's a long road to forgiveness he's had to travel on but he's getting there. But he still reserves the right to bring it up randomly in conversation, "Hey, remember that one time YOU DRIED MY CAT?!?"

Time to move on dude, and while you're at it TAKE THE BULLET CASINGS OUT OF YOUR POCKETS!!!

2011: Year in Review

2011-12-31T10:05:00.000-06:00

For the last post of 2011, I'm totally cheating and not writing an original post which is fitting considering my blogging incompetence this year, not to be confused with incontinence. :) Instead, I present to you the 2011 Koons Zoo Christmas letter highlighting the notable events and happenings from the year. Thanks for sticking with me this year, when I may or may not have blogged more sporadically than ever (hello 2 weeks between posts, I'm so ashamed). The blog's 3 year anniversary is next month and that BLOWS MY MIND. We'll have an anniversary party complete with cupcakes when that date rolls around but for now thanks for reading and here's to 2012. Happy New Year!

Without further ado..

Dear Friends & Family (and Blog Readers),
It's the most wonderful time of the year, time for the annual Koons Christmas letter! Try to contain your excitement. After a brief hiatus last year due to a depressing, craptastic, death-filled 2010, we're back and better than ever. Subjectively speaking, of course. But hey, no one died in 2011 so we're chalking it up a success!!! Always the optimist, aren't I? Also, yes I did in fact, use the word craptastic in my Christmas letter, I gotta be me.

So 2011? It's going in the "Nothing Monumental but No Tragedies so Overall a Great Year" category of years. Hang on to your seats while we review.

January-I have a massive dislike of January and January '11 was no exception. GI Joe worked approximately eleventy hundred hours every week and the stress level of his job as a Recruiter was at a record high. The three bright spots of January were 1) we survived it ulcer free 2) redneck sledding is so much fun and 3) our Christmas in January celebration at a cabin in NE with my side of the family. Listen, you get that much Arnold goodness in one place for any amount of time, fun is bound to be had.

February-As much as I dislike January, I dislike February 10 times more. Oh yes, I AM a ray of sunshine. Stay with me, I promise it gets better. February 1st marked the 12th anniversary of my mom passing away but on the bright side it was also Blade's 9th birthday, which gave me a reason to not have a full blown pity party. Speaking of Blade, 9 has been good to him. He's one of the coolest kids I've ever met and I'm not saying that just because he's mine. Fine, that might have a little something to do with it. Blade is the quintessential All American boy. Good at everything (grades, football, soccer, basketball, wrestling, you name it), Mr. Popularity, teacher's pet, class clown, and just downright hilarious. It's pretty fun being his parents, especially when he tells us things like, "You might want to take a picture of me in this uniform because you're lookin' at a legend," with a twinkle in his eye. And that sentence? Pretty much sums up Blade. So yeah, February was not a complete bust. Thank goodness for Blade....and our snowwoman.

March-We took our annual National LamKoons Spring Break Vacation to visit Hilary and family in TN. We love Tennessee (oh and Hilary, Micah & Bryan and soon to be baby #3 too. Did you catch that subtle announcement?!?). Toyed with the idea of relocating to TN, didn't, the end...for now. Settle down IA friends/family, it's LONG TERM thinking., as in after the kids graduate. I was born to be a southern belle, ya'll.

April/May-The ground thawed, the sun returned, the grass turned green(ish), the livestock auction reopened, my bovine baby Holy turned a year old, Justin shot a big turkey while turkey hunting, Dakota and I had a girls weekend in St. Louis with my sisters and smom, and my birthday happened. All good things, except me aging. Another item of note for the month of May, Dakota graduated from 5TH GRADE and into the world of middle schooldom. And with that, I died a little. SHE'S JUST A BABY!

June/July/August-My absolute favorite time of the year. I love everything about this time of year, except for the snakes. For the full story on that and much more go here http://hillbillyhilarity.blogspot.com/2011/04/snakes-on-plain.html (shameless plug #1). We spent a lot of time fishing, playing outside, hanging out in the pool, and mostly enjoying the schedule free summer. Not sure if you knew this or not but when you have 3 kids involved in all kinds of things, you put more miles on your car seat than you do your couch. So not having to chauffeur kids around to various activities was delightful. Here's hoping they continue to not want to play baseball and put a wrench in my whole schedule free summer. In early July, we also took our annual National LamKoons Summer Vacation to Tampa, Florida for a little beach time. Iowa has great sweet corn and all, but ocean views and salt sea breezes? Not so much and this girl likes to get white sand between my toes at least once a year.

We spent about 5 days in Florida hitting the beaches and Busch Gardens and then a surprise detour in Orlando for a couple days at the Nickelodeon Resort aka BEST 2 DAYS OF OUR KIDS' LIVES THUS FAR. On our way to FL, we made a stop in Kansas to see Heidi, a stop in TN to see Hilary, and a stop in Georgia to see Stone Mountain. On the way home, we made a stop in New Orleans to see..well, A LOT of things, mostly life lessons for the children and an unforgettable stop in Memphis to see some serious police action and to handoff Blade & Ryder to Hilary and Bryan for a week stay with them. They flew home by themselves the following week, another big to do in their book.

At the end of July, Dakota made her 4H debut at the Madison County Fair showing chickens and art work. Highlights include bathing chickens in preparation for showing them (a vinegar rinse makes them super shiny!!!) and bringing home a blue ribbon for her chickens AND her artwork. Now that we know the lay of the 4H/County Fair land you can expect to hear much more about this in future Christmas letters. Blade is also now a 4H'er too so it's safe to say that one week every July will be dedicated to the county fair cause. And that's fine with me because those are my people and I feel right at home there. Not to mention the corndogs and the animals galore. In August, we celebrated Ryder's 8th birthday, for approximately 5 days because that's how he rolls. I have no idea where he gets it. EIGHT? Can you believe it? He'll always be 5 to me so whatever, eight. He's grown a ton this year and is now just millimeters smaller than Blade. In addition to his norms, wrestling and soccer, he got to play his first year of tackle football this year and is currently in his inaugural basketball season. He loves his sports, although in a very different way than his brother. He's in it for the camaraderie, the hanging out with his friends, the having fun part of it. Blade, on the other hand, well, it's serious competitive business to him. Oh the joys of boys. Ryder is a lot like Blade in that he makes friends easily, has the teachers wrapped around his finger, and pretty much breezes through life. He still has the laid back surfer boy look and attitude going on, it's part of his charm. Although don't let that charm fool you because under that blonde exterior is a spitfire just waiting for the right moment to rear it's precious head. He's been keeping us on our toes since the minute we found out we were having him (surprise!) and is still doing that 8 years later. Man, I love him. Wow, would you look at that, I just spent a whole page talking about 3 months. And I didn't even tell you how the kids started back to school and how Dakota is now a MIDDLE SCHOOLER! Or that we had a beautiful, adorable, sweet smelling addition to the extended Koons clan when Miss Lyla Jean was born to GI Joe's brother Brian and his wife Lindsay at the end of August. It's been awhile since we've had a baby in the Koons family so it's been so fun and she really is cutest thing ever. Moving on....only 3.5 months left!

September/October-All I remember about these 2 months was the vast amount of football we watched. Between both boys playing, the Hawkeyes, and the Detroit Lions, every weekend was filled with approximately 70 hours of football. Both boys' teams ended the season with the exact same record of 3-1-1. GI Joe was able to get tickets to a couple of the home Hawkeye games and memories were made at those games. The home opener of the season he took his dad, my dad, and Blade with him and it was pouring rain the entire time. But the Hawks got the win and the boys got some new Hawkeye ponchos. Score! GI Joe also turned 34 in October, and shortly thereafter dislocated a rib while doing a home improvement project that I had requested. Old age isn't for sissies! Oh, one other fun tidbit for these months was the start up of my new venture.."Suck It Up Cupcakes". You know, because I have a ton of free time and all, I thought it would be fun to bake gourmet and delicious cupcakes for people as a little side biz. It's going great and I'm as busy as I want to be with it. The best part about the whole thing, besides the baking of 37 varieties of cupcakes (so far) is the logo.....

I mean, have you EVER?!? There's a facebook page dedicated to it if you're in the market for cupcakes www.facebook.com/SuckItUpCupcakes (shameless plug #2).

That brings us to November, the end is in sight!!!!

November-November the month of big dates at the Koons Zoo. The first being Dakota's birthday. She turned TWELVE you guys, TWELVE!!! You know what that means right? She's officially a tween and a mere 11 months from being a TEENAGER. WAAAAAAAA! The great thing about Dakota is though, she remains unchanged by the fact that her peers are starting to get into boys and setting up facebook accounts and other such adolescent nonsense. She openly admits that she does not really enjoy being around lots of people or big cities and dating, especially in 6th grade is overrated and silly. Umm yeah, I'm thinking farmgirl forever and if we can just keep her thinking that dating is overrated until, oh I don't know, say 42, we'll be just fine. Dakota is still Dakota in that she likes her peace and quiet in the country, her ability to roam freely while hunting birds and rabbits and whatnot, her kitties, and her chickens. Her artistic and creative abilities continue to blossom as evidenced by her blue ribbon showing at the county fair and her academic excellence is only dampened by her ability to organize and her natural dizzy blondeness. She couldn't be more opposite than me (except for the dizzy blonde thing) which has been a good exercise in patience and humility for me. I've never met another kid like her and probably never will. Her potential in life knows no bounds and I cannot wait to see where it takes her. Probably not New York City, I can tell you that. :) Also, in November, GI Joe and I celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary. How do you like us now haters of 1997?!? I tease. It's flown by but on the other hand it seems like we've been a part of each other since birth. Of course I still love him but I still really really like him too AND think he's even better looking now than he was when I first laid eyes on him in the fall of 1994, and believe me, high school junior me would have never believed that could happen. I know, gag me, but it's true. Throw in Thanksgiving and Black Friday and you've got a month for the record books.

Are your eyes tired yet? I should've included bookmarks. I promise, we're almost done. What Koons Christmas letter would be complete without the annual Koons Zoo count is so here goes: 3 horses, 1 mini horse, 2 mules "stupid" donkeys, 3 llamas, 1 cow (love of my life), 1 pot bellied pig, 1 "real" pig for eating...seriously!),

1 fainting goat, 1 peacock, 2 bunnies, 1 turkey, 1 ewe (not me, EWE), 5 dogs (I forgot to tell you that we are a foster home for the Upper Midwest Great Dane Rescue and yes, I HAVE been able to give them up after fostering them), a whole lot of chickens, and a few kitties. We've lost some animals this past year and have slowed down on our animal acquisitions as of late. But don't worry there are some exciting acquisitions planned for spring of 2012, so stay tuned!

Congrats! It's now 2012 and you deserve an award for making it to the end of this letter. I apologize for the length but we had some major catching up to do. Life is good, God is great, and people, namely us, are crazy. From our zoo to you, Merry Christmas (belated) and a happy New Year!

Love,
The Koons Zoo

The Santa Situation

2011-12-20T18:20:00.000-06:00

In our house we go all out to make Christmas magical for our kids, and let's be honest, for us too. Because the only thing better than being a kid on Christmas is seeing your kid experience Christmas. We spend a lot of time talking about and living out the real meaning of Christmas so that it doesn't get lost in all the Santa Claus reindeer stuff but that doesn't mean we leave jolly Old St. Nick out in the cold. Out in the cold? Tee hee I crack myself up.

For example, every Christmas morning the kids wake up (in their coordinating Christmas PJ's of course) to find bootprints in ashes leading from the fireplace to the Christmas tree (thank goodness for hardwood floors), reindeer tracks in the yard and the reindeer food sprinkled outside on Christmas Eve gone, and a note from Santa next to the empty plate of cookies. They might also hear the occasional jingle of bells late on Christmas Eve accompanied by their mother yelling out the front door, "NOT YET SANTA, THEY AREN'T ASLEEP, HIT THE HOUSE DOWN THE ROAD AND THEN STOP BACK BY!" Whaaaat? Doesn't everyone yell out their front door at Santa? Pffffft.

GI Joe and I have so much fun filling Christmas with little traditions and nuances that they'll remember forever and likely pass on to their kids (you know, my named from "the list" grandkids). This year though? Blade is putting a little damper on the magic. Never before have any of them ever even questioned the whole Santa thing, I mean, how could they when they had the bootprints to prove he was real? At some point in the past month or so, Blade is having his Santa doubts. I blame the rebellious kids at school. Now some parents say they won't "lie" to their kids and tell them that Santa isn't real but let it be known, we are NOT those parents. In fact, we are the parents trying wholeheartedly to convince him that he is in fact real because, ummm, after all, ISN'T HE?!? That's one of the best parts of childhood and we kinda want to make it last as long as possible, like say, oh I don't know, THE REST OF HIS LIFE?!? My parents were not as extreme as we are, but they did go to certain extents to keep the magic alive for my sisters and I even well past the age of truth. I distinctly remember my first Christmas as a married woman, there were still presents under my parents' tree in never before seen wrapping paper that said From Santa along with the ones that said From Mom and Dad, so see...HE IS REAL! :)

So Blade rattled off about 10 different arguments as to how the whole Santa thing was a hoax, such as "Why would you have to yell out the door to Santa to tell him we're still awake when he supposedly sees us while we're sleeping and sees when we're awake?" (Because he's very busy on Christmas Eve and doesn't always have time to check his KidVision so I was just helping him out) Or, "You know that song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus?" Why would a mommy be kissing Santa Claus if Santa Claus wasn't the Daddy?" (Because she was just really happy to see him and that's how people in Europe greet each other and don't you know St Nick originated in Europe?) or "Why would there be reindeer tracks in the yard when they allegedly land on the roof?" (Well duh, they came down to get the reindeer food we put out for them!) These are basically exact quotes, you guys. As you can see, I did my best to answer them convincingly and I think I might have made some headway and while I don't think he completely believes, I think he wants to still believe and if that's the best we can get, then I'll take it.

Of course, while he was questioning all of this, Dakota, age 12, piped in and said, "Why wouldn't you believe in Santa Claus? That's just dumb."

To which he responded, "DAKOTA, you're TWELVE YEARS OLD, why WOULD you still be believe in Santa?!? You're way too old."

She just rolled her eyes at him because she KNOWS and she's seen Polar Express so she doesn't question the magic. Gotta love her and her vast imagination and naiveness.

But the other night, was the icing on the figurative Claus cake. We were watching movies and it was time to put in a new movie. Blade wanted to watch The Santa Clause. Ryder wanted to watch something else.

Ryder: "Why would you want to watch The Santa Clause when you don't even believe in Santa?"
Blade: "Because I believe in Tim Allen."

And there you have it, the magic of Christmas...and Tim Allen.

BELIEVE!

Catch Up

2011-12-14T20:23:00.000-06:00

As I was writing the annual Koons Christmas letter and got to the 4th page, it dawned on me that this was a clear indication that I'm not blogging enough if I have all this pent up writing in me. I mean, seriously, who has a FOUR PAGE Christmas letter? Embarrassing. So in an effort to release this pent up writing inside of me here I am. The following are presented in no kind of order, just as they pop in my head.

*I got bangs a few weeks ago and the following week, Taylor Swift also got bangs. Coincidence? Maybe. But Taylor, I'm WATCHING YOU. Never mind that Carrie Underwood got bangs a couple weeks before I did and was actually the inspiration behind my current cut, Taylor totally copied me. I would post a picture but the bangs and I are still getting to know each other. Some days I love them, some days I curse the day I ever saw that picture of Carrie Underwood with bangs in the magazine, and all days I feel like I'm riding a fine line between frumpy house wife in mom jeans, 9 year old girl, and cutting edge fashionista. I do have to say that weeks 3 & 4 post bang hair cut seem to be the optimal bang performance time. The first few weeks I felt like they were way too short and now in week 5 I feel like they are getting too long. But long's ok because I think I'm growing them out. Now you see why my Christmas letter was 4 pages long? I can make a mountain out of a molehill.

And now that I've verbally vomited about my bangs for an entire paragraph, I'm not sure that I have anything else to say.

*Alright, if I must. A few years ago, we started doing the whole Elf on a Shelf thing. We named our elf Oogey and a new tradition was born. It's so much fun to see where Oogey ends up every morning (when he remembers to move) and use him as leverage when the kids are misbehaving. Ex: "What kind of report do you think Oogey will give to Santa when he goes to the North Pole tonight?" What?!? HE DOES! Here's where he was today after he returned from his nightly North Pole trip....

Yes, that's a deer head hanging on the wall. You know who I'm married to right? This is in the family room and it was an exercise in (painful) compromise that I allowed this deer head to be hung and his brother (the deer's brother not GI Joe's, just to clarify) on a different wall. I suppose it does work with the room as it's a very outdoorsy, masculine room. The kicker is that this deer is looking directly into my pink accented, girly kitchen. That darn compromise, it works both ways.

*Speaking of pink and girly...you will never believe what Carhartt did to me. They have now produced a line of bubble gum pink Carhartts. They "claim" it is for "Breast Cancer Awareness" but I think we all know what's going on here. They completely stole my idea without even so much as a RETURN LETTER OR CALL. If you're new to the blog and my obsession with pink Carhartts please go here and somewhere else on the blog that I can't find right now to read up. I'm crafting my very fiery letter to Carhartt now. I may have to lawyer up for such blatant plagerism of my original idea. Sure hope they aren't paying a design team for the grand PINK idea because hello, 2009 I suggested it AND sent a picture...twice...thankyouverymuch. My demands for retribution will be as follows: a free set of the Prairie Princess original PINK Carhartts valued at $150 and a letter of apology, oh and that they rename them to "Prairie Princess Pink." I think I'm being completely reasonable here. You'll be hearing more about this on the news shortly I'm sure.

*Let's talk about Michael Buble and how much I've grown to love him. GI Joe, believe it or not, got me hooked on him a couple of years ago when he asked for his Christmas CD for Christmas and has been raving about him ever since. That was the short play CD with just 6 or so songs on it and it was fabulous. Now this year, he released a full length Christmas album which is SOLID GOLD. It is so good and has solidified me firmly in the Michael Buble Fan Camp. Last Tuesday night was his TV special and he's just so darn entertaining and that voice?!? I could listen to him sing for a week and not get sick of it. And then THIS came out and that's it, I'm a goner and have now added a Michael Buble concert to my lifelong bucket list. The guy is flat out amazing. Also, he could be my brother in law Bryan's twin...seriously. Exhibit A:

NOT Michael Buble. Feel free to ooh and aah over how cute Micah is, I KNOW!

The real Michael Buble. The resemblance, it's uncanny.

*In closing, (wow, can't tell my dad's a pastor can you?) I'd like to share with you in photos my Monday evening. I was tired, I didn't feel good, I had 4 dozen cupcakes to make and one son to get to and from wrestling practice, oh and Moose the Lab rolled in something dead so that was a nice, unexpected treat. Here is the night in pictures:

One dozen cupcakes...ruined, destroyed, finito. 1 new oven....a smoky, cupcake remains covered mess. The last pan of cupcakes of the night as I was taking it out of the oven. I wanted to cry. Just in case you thought it was all sprinkles and sunshine 'round here.

My fuzzy pink slippers complete with a splat of cupcake batter and chocolate ganache. Monday was one of those days that these went on the minute I got home from work and I had no intentions of taking them off. Which is why I wore them when I took Ryder to wrestling practice and also why I gave him STRICT instructions to be out and waiting for me after practice was over so I didn't have to come in the building to get him while wearing my fuzzy pink slippers. I pulled up a few minutes after practice was over just to be sure to allow him enough time to change his shoes and come outside but do you think he did? NOOOOOOO. Do you think it was on purpose? YESSSSSSSS. After about 8 minutes of waiting, I figured that most of the other parents had already come and gone so I'd be safe in entering the building in my FPS. I tossed my pride aside and walked, FPS and all, into the building. And walked right into one of our neighbors! And then Ryder magically appeared, which gives me further cause to believe that he waited to come out on purpose. Not pictured, my messy hair going 14 different directions with frosting in it, my old yoga pants with cupcake batter all over them, my baggy, shabby sweatshirt and the flour on my face. I was a sight. It's fine, I didn't use my dignity much anyway.

Wow, I feel so much lighter, my burden lifted. I'd forgotten how much fun this blogging stuff is. I'm gonna have to do it more often! Here's hoping.

Twelve

2011-12-07T22:56:00.000-06:00

I've been neglect in blogging about Dakota's 12th birthday. 12?!? It's probably because I'm in denial. Twelve means we're *this* close to the teen years and I'll be honest, I can't even go there.
As I've mentioned before, Dakota is my dad's grandchild, my sisters Heidi, Hilary, and Brandy's niece. When it comes to social behavior, she is nothing like me and every bit like the 4 of them, in varying degrees. Life of the party? Not a chance. Center of attention? Oh NO thank you. Thrives in big crowds of people? Never. Being a homebody and socializing with only your family and your couch? Oh YES please. This has been a bit of a struggle for me to "get" because it's just not how I operate. I have to remind myself on a regular basis that she's NOT me and just because she prefers her solitude to socializing doesn't mean there's something wrong with her and that she's an outcast who will grow up to be the weird cat lady living alone.  Although, I have a feeling regardless of her social status the cat lady part of that won't be far from the mark.
When planning her 12th birthday celebration she grudgingly decided to invite 6 of her friends out because "they've been wanting to come out and see the animals and stuff for awhile so i GUESS we can invite them for my birthday." So we did.  Let it be known that this is only the SECOND time in her scholastic career that she's invited friends over. GI Joe says that's pretty typical for country kids or at least that's the way it was for he and his brother growing up but to me, Miss I Got Mail @ My BFF's House in 6th Grade, it seems a travesty. She was moderately excited but that had to do more with the kind of cupcakes I was making for the party than it did the actual party.  Milky Way Cupcakes, who could blame her?!?
The day finally came for the party and I picked the girls up from school.  I'd met most all of them before and already liked them. We had a very LOUD ride home, as you may or may not know that 6 6th grade girls + 2 elementary aged boys talk, sing, and shriek at ear piercing volume when they are in Friday afternoon PAAAAAARTY mode. I was relieved to see that Dakota was participating as well.
The girls were in hog heaven (pun totally intended) when we got to the Koons Zoo, they dumped their stuff and immediately headed to the barnyard for some farm fun.  This is where Dakota was in her element. These were her animals, her pride and joy, so showing them off to her friends, was no big deal to her.    They stepped in poo, got muddy, gathered eggs, and had a grand old time. They came in for a snack and then it was time for the Scavenger Hunt. I wasn't exactly sure what was appropriate party planning for a bunch of 12 year old girls that didn't involve manis, pedis, or Justin Bieber so I decided on a fun, no-matter-how-old-you-are scavenger hunt in the yard and barnyard. The clues were Class A corny and led them to such locations as the chicken coop, the rabbit hutch, the Hillbilly Hotel (a lean to shelter for the animals in the barnyard), on the four wheeler, and in a rotted jack o' lantern, just to name a few. This scavenger hunt was a direct hit as the girls thought it was the coolest thing ever. (Chalk one up for Mother of the Year!) After finding their treasure (a King Sized candy bar for each of them hidden in the fireplace) they went back out to ride the 4 wheeler, play in the hay fort in the barn, and sled down the hill on the miniscule amount of snow that was there. Dakota was thoroughly engaged during all of this, except for the brief time that she wondered off to check on her kitties (without mentioning to her friends where she was going or inviting them to go along with her) and eventually, her friends realized she was missing and Blade led them to her. The great part is that while I was apalled at the rudeness, her friends didn't think any thing of it.

Finally, the sun was setting and it was getting cold so they came in to eat. GI Joe smoked some pizzas (because that's how we do frozen pizzas in this house and OMGoodness they are so delicious that they have now been requested for every kid's birthday.) I also put out a spread of Dakota's favorite snack foods which included but was not limited to: apples with caramel, chips and dip, giant dill pickles, olives, black olives, pickled peppers, and crackers and GOAT cheese. Yes, you read that right, GOAT cheese. Dakota while a hillbilly at heart has some very sophisticated tastebuds. Homegirl can put away half a log of goat cheese as an after school snack. I put it out mainly for her, figuring that her friends would stick to the more normal items like chips and dip. Imagine my surprise when they were eating the crackers with goat cheese at a faster rate than I could put them out. They were amazed to discover that they were eating goat cheese. The food highlights of the party were definitely: Cupcakes (duh), Goat Cheese & Crackers, and the Giant Pickles. In that order. Barnyard scavenger hunt, gathering eggs, goat cheese and cupcakes. Do I know how to throw a party OR WHAT?!?
I wasn't sure how I would entertain the girls for the rest of the evening, but as it turned out I needn't worry. They entertained themselves by making a goofy movie on their Macs and sliding and spinning across our hardwood floors.

Who needs bounce houses or jugglers when you've got slick floors?!?

A couple times during the festivities, we'd look around and I'd see Blade and Ryder in the heart of the action and Dakota sitting on the couch in the living room or in her room with her sketch pad, off in her own little world. GI Joe had to gently remind her that she did have friends over and that perhaps she should, oh i don't know, hang out with them?!? GI Joe & I were sitting in the kitchen when one of the girls came in to get another helping of, you guessed it, goat cheese. She proceeded to educate us on the social hierachy of 6th grade. Completely unprompted by us, she told us all about how the "populars" were already "dating" but of course they were dating other "populars". She then told me about the other groups in 6th grade and who was in them. There are the populars, the smartacles (the very very smart, dare i say, nerdy kids), the weirdos, and the just normal kids. You know what I had to do right? I said, "Is Dakota considered a "weirdo"? You can tell me." Her answer cracked me up because let's be honest, anyone that knows Dakota knows she leans to the weird side and is proud of it. Her friend sweetly answered, "Oh no, she's not a weirdo. So what if she's told people it's ok to call her DragonGirl?!? Everyone knows that's just Dakota." Love it. She then let me know that she and Dakota and their other friends were the "just normals" who were friends with people in all the "groups". That was a relief.  Nobody wants their kid to be in the weirdos or outcast group. When I discussed the populars group and the whole "dating" thing with Dakota later she said and I quote, "Isn't that so stupid? I mean, we're in 6TH GRADE, we're way too young to be dating. Besides dating is sooo overrated." I'm documenting those words here so when she's 17 I can remind her of this. Oh YES I AM, so take that 17 year old Dakota.
Anyway, the party was a smash success and 9pm (party end time) rolled around.  The girls were not excited to go home and were saying how they wished they were spending the night. But of course, Dakota had drawn her line in the sand from the git go and put a party end time on the invite of 9pm.   Listen, we were stretching her social boundaries by asking her to entertain or at least be present for 5 1/2 hours, overnight might have pushed her right over the edge into hermitdom forever. So it was time to go and I told the girls to get their things so I could take them home. Dakota being the ever graceful hostess got them each a peacock feather to take with them and then they each wanted to take the egg they had gathered. So yeah, party favors were a peacock feather and a farm fresh egg. Redneck much? We were getting ready to load up into the car for the trek to return every one to their rightful owners when I noticed Dakota was still sitting on the couch drawing.
"Dakota, come on you have to go with me to take your friends home."
"Oh man, I do?!? Why can't I just stay home? I'll see them at school on Monday." followed by a deep sigh.
Meanwhile, Ryder and Blade were already in the car chatting up the ladies.
She did go with us and once we were in the car with her friends she was fine.  And they explained to me how they were all friends "Well see, Dakota is my complete opposite so that's why it works" and "Dakota and I are soooo much alike that's why we're friends," and so on. It was kind of sweet especially since I didn't fish for this feedback and we all know Dakota certainly didn't, it just came up.
On the way back home we were recapping the party and she told me, "That wasn't so bad, we might have to do that again sometime. Maybe next YEAR." :)
Baby steps, we wouldn't want to rush things you know.
And by the time I got home, 3 of her friends had friended me on Facebook. Which is so odd to me, but I put my feelings about 12 year olds on facebook aside and accepted because you know what they say, "Keep your friends close and your tween daughter's friends closer".
I cannot wait to see what the next 12 years holds for this one in a million girl.  I'm sure at least ONE or TWO more parties, and that's probably a pretty accurate number. But you know what? I wouldn't want her any other way. What a girl.

And because it was her magic, once in a lifetime birthday, 11-11-11, (too bad she was 12 and not 11) I got her out of bed @ 11:11 p.m. to do this..

She'll thank me someday. Probably in a champagne toast at a big, fancy, black tie party she's hosting.

Or not.

Suburbia

2011-11-30T20:52:00.001-06:00

The town we call our hometown is small, like really small. As in you know those country songs about small town USA? SMALLER than those. We don't have a stoplight, we don't have any restaurants unless you count the bar, which has great tenderloins by the way, and we don't have choices in gas station because there's only one, a Casey's of course. Our school is K-12 and last I heard total enrollment was around 600 kids...in 13 grades. I think there were about that many in my (would've been) graduating class in Burlington, Iowa where I moved from before my junior year, you know when I was black. Total population of our town? Less than 1000, I'm guessing that doesn't count us rural folks who are outside of city limits but I could be wrong. The point here is that it's SMALL.

The view to your right as you come into town, on the left used to be cornfield but is now a metropolis pictured below. Fun fact: I used to work at this very Casey's in high school. BEST. JOB. EVER. for reasons I shall not disclose. ;)

Well, according to my kids that's ALL ABOUT TO CHANGE.

You see, we went from a town of ONE bank that looked exactly like it probably did 50 years ago to a town of TWO BANKS and the new bank? It has a FANCY sign that shows the time and temperature and your mother's maiden name!

This new bank moved to town awhile back but until recently occupied the building that used to be the old laundrymat. Sidenote: The laundrymat was named The Wet Spot...seriously. Do you know how many inappropriate jokes that opened the doors for? Hey, there's not much else to do here. The sign is still there although faded with time but I still giggle every time I go past it. I mean really, THE WET SPOT?!?
Photographic Proof..look close at the faded white sign on the right side of the picture and you might be able to make it out.

Anyway, the bank has been occupying the former Wet Spot while their new building across the street from Casey's right as you enter town, was being built. One day before the building was done we drove past and the fancy new sign was on and lit up announcing the temperature for the day. My hillbilly children FUH-REAKED OUT.
Blade: What is THAT?!?
Me: It's the new bank's cool new sign. Look we can see what the temperature and time is now! Look how fancy our town is getting!
Dakota: OH NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Me: WHAT?!? Did I run over something (again)?
Dakota: No, they're taking over!
Me: Who's taking over?
Dakota: The city people. They're ruining our little town.
Me: It's just a bank.
Blade: It starts with a bank and then next thing you know there's a skyscraper.
Dakota: Yeah, see that cornfield back there? It'll be filled with skyscrapers in a few years.
Me: Uhh guys, I've been coming to or lived in this town all my life and it's taken them 30+ years to get a SECOND bank, I don't think we have to worry about a metropolis sprouting up here. I mean, we don't even have a stoplight yet.
Dakota: They'll add the stoplights when they start building the skyscrapers.
Blade: Great, now all kinds of new kids are going to move to our school and I won't know everyone anymore.
Me: I think you might be overreacting JUST a tad.
Dakota: I can't believe it. They're going to take over our town and before we know it it'll be a city!
Ryder, finally piping in after being strangely silent throughout this entire exchange: We're learning about this in school. Right now we're a RURAL community but pretty soon we'll be an URBAN area. Look at that new bank, that looks like an URBAN bank.
Blade: And then there will be gangs and shootings and...
Me: Well if that happens we'll be fine because I used to be black and hang out with gangsters and we have guns too so see, it's all good!
Dakota: I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS. I CAN'T LIVE IN THE CITY. TAKE ME HOME TO THE COUNTRY WHERE THERE AREN'T SKYSCRAPERS IN OUR CORNFIELDS AND FLASHING BANK SIGNS ON OUR ROAD.

All because of one bank with a fancy new sign.

Bunch of backwoods kids, I blame their father.

But I gotta be honest, I'm gonna be ticked too if they start building skyscrapers in the cornfields. On the bright side, maybe if skyscrapers start going up then they'll put in a Taco Bell. And I just might be able to adapt if there's a Taco Bell to sweeten the deal.

I think it's safe to say, I probably won't be visiting my adult children in their studio apartments in New York City.

Let's hope they don't notice the brand new brick "Welcome to VM" sign welcoming people to our town. I personally don't understand what was wrong with the handpainted piece of plywood that used to do that job. The darn suits occupying those skyscrapers in the cornfield probably insisted on it.

Post Thanksgiving Update

2011-11-29T20:51:00.000-06:00

Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving, we definitely did. I'm still recovering from my 20 hour shopping tour with the Discount Divas on Black Friday. No, that's NOT a typo, it was TWENTY HOURS OF SHOPPING aka best day ever. When I 'm fully caught up on sleep (39 hours of being awake + 20 hours of shopping really messes with one's system) and my severe case of shopper's elbow subsides, I'll tell you all about it. Just wanted to check in and let you know I'm still alive and kicking and NO, I was NOT the woman arrested for using pepper spray in Wal Mart to help her control the crowd. Although, I'm not gonna lie I kinda think it's GENIUS. Next year, I think I'll just carry around my pepper spray and freak people out. I won't even have to use it!

In other news, this guy is really relieved Thanksgiving is over.

Tyson's just happy to STILL be here. :)

Forever and Fourteen Years...Amen

2011-11-15T21:50:00.000-06:00

Fourteen years ago today, on a cold, drizzly, gray day, GI Joe and I got hitched. Many people said we were too young, which only served to tick us off and make us even more determined to prove them wrong (I'm talking to you salesguy @ Joseph's Jeweler circa 1997). And I think 14 years later, we have officially done so. Also? Because we got married so young and had kids so young, we'll be the cool, hip parents at our kids' graduation while all our kids' friends' parents will be hobbling around with arthritis and stuff, so we WIN. :)

To celebrate fourteen glorious years, we are...wait for it, it's SUPER exciting and romantic....going to Ryder's school concert!!! I KNOW!!!! Wasn't it so nice of the school to schedule his concert on our anniversary so our entertainment for the evening would be provided for?!?

Since we had the exclusive school concert on our actual anniversary evening, we decided to celebrate on Monday night by a dinner out at a really nice restaurant downtown. I even made a RESERVATION!!! I can't remember the last time (if ever) that I made a dinner reservation, because I don't think call ahead seating at Chili's or Outback counts. We got our fancy on, which means GI Joe didn't wear his uniform OR a hoodie. You guys, he really loves me if he gave up his hoodie for the night. The restaurant we went to was a French restaurant "without the attitude" according to the website. I'd read about it somewhere months ago and marked it on my calendar to make a reservation there when it came time for our anniversary dinner. Type A Planner much? I still don't really even know how to pronounce the name of the restaurant, Django, and when we ordered our food we just pointed to what we wanted on the menu instead of embarrassing ourselves and trying to say it. Listen, I took Spanish in high school so if you want to order at a Mexican restaurant or Taco Bell, I'm your girl. (Enchilada con queso or taco bravo. See? Ms. McPherren really did teach us something!) But at a French restaurant? Not so much. I just kept wanting to say "Oui oui" which I'm pretty sure just means "yes, yes" and not every question our waitress asked us was appropriately answered with a "oui oui". The food was A-MAZING. I had some seared sea scallops over lobster sweet corn mashed potatoes that were LIFECHANGING. I promise those mashed potatoes will live on in my dreams. We had planned to go all out and order creme brulee for dessert but sadly, just didn't have room for it. Lucky for us, it was a 30 minute drive home with a Cheesecake Factory smack in the middle, so by the time we hit the halfway point, we powered thru and stopped for a to-go piece of Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheesecake to share. We stopped and picked up the kids @ the inlaws and were home eating cheesecake on the couch while watching "Mike and Molly" by 9pm.   Oh yeah, we know how to keep the romance alive and live it up. I mean, cheesecake+"Mike & Molly"? Fughettaboutit.

In addition to fancy French restaurants, cheesecake, and primetime television here are some other tips that have worked for us that I'll share with you...FOR FREE! I'm basically an expert considering that we've been married 70 times longer than Kim Kardashian and we're 3 years past the average lifespan of a marriage in the U.S of 11 years.

*Never talk bad about your spouse. I hear wives complaining about their husbands annoying habits, their shortfalls, etc, all the time. Ever heard the saying "negativity breeds negativity?" It's true, if you're always talking trash about your spouse, you feed that negativity and it magnifies what's wrong and diminishes what's right. And imagine how you would feel if your spouse was talking about you like that to other people?  Personally, I'd be devastated. If something GI Joe does annoys me, I tell HIM about it NOT 15 of my coworkers at the lunch table. The opposite is true too, positivity breeds positivity, so if you're always building up your spouse even when they're not around, it helps you focus on the good and why you love them. I've had people tell me, "GI Joe must be perfect, I never hear you say anything bad about him." Of course he's not perfect, but neither am I (I realize this may come as a shock to you but I'm not..haha). But I love him and I'm proud to be married to him so it only seems logical to me to paint him in only the most positive of lights and highlight the reasons I love him. It's just common sense. Try it.

And you thought this was just a blog about farm animals and hillbilly kids?!? You just never know what you're gonna get when you come to this blog.

*We'll be a couple long after the kids are grown and gone so our relationship and each other comes before the kids, and we're not sorry. The kids know it too. They know that I'm their Daddy's #1, so if they're not treating me right he's not going to be happy and there will be consequences. It's normal to them. Too often, people give everything they've got to their kids and leave nothing for each other.  While I love our kids with all that is in me, I didn't marry them, I married GI Joe and I'll still be married to him when they grow up and find a husband/wives of their own.  I think we're doing our kids a bigger favor by not putting them first and instead setting an example of a solid, blissful marriage. The world needs less "the world revolves around me" people and more happily married parents. Oh it's getting deep up in here now, I'm stepping off soapbox now, let the tomato throwing begin.

*It's cliche but we've always lived by the "never go to bed angry" thing. I've read some psychologists and marriage counselors disagree but they're crazy and probably not happily married. The longer you stew on something the worse you make it in your mind and the more riled up you get, so get it out of your system, say what you need to say RESPECTFULLY, , resolve it and move on. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that GI Joe & I rarely fight and when we do, it has never lasted more than an hour. And the time it lasted an hour was because I just wanted to be mad for awhile so I went for a walk. By the time I got back, tempers had cooled, perspectives gained, apologies made, forgiveness (and hugs) given. Then refrain from bringing it up again, LET IT GO. There's no argument worth winning if it ends up damaging or ruining the best thing in your life.

I'm pretty much Dr. Phil without the accent and with a lot more hair. *Laugh, have fun, and communicate. Those seem obvious but sometimes it's easy to lose sight of those basic things in the stress and chaos of life. We get a big ol' kick out making our kids roll their eyes because we're belting out hits of the 80's and 90's while doing some mundane task or laughing at stupid things that happen like when he has to come pull me out of the ditch...again, or when I have to go rescue him because he locked his keys in his car...again. I also found out early on that being subtle in your communication is for the birds... and lesbians. Guys minds just don't work like ours do, so if you want something you have to just come out and say it, instead of this beating around the bush bit. You're just setting him up for failure and setting yourself up for disappointment, if you just expect him to read your mind or decipher your "subtle hints". If he gave you a really crappy birthday present last year because he didn't get the hints, then here's a thought, tell him no more vacuums for birthdays and instead you'd really like to get something more thoughtful and sentimental like jewelry or whatever it is that you want, even if it's a card. JUST TELL HIM.....NICELY. Hint: Do NOT say, "the last present you got me sucked and if you get me another horrible one like that I'm cutting you off and you're sleeping on the couch for a week." You get more flies with sugar than with vinegar, I'm just sayin'. ;)

I can only imagine the number of new readers Google will send my way from the paragraph above. Welcome!

Don't get me wrong, it's not all roses and peppermint mochas all the time, (although it was today because he delivered both of those to me at work today, altogether now..AWWWWW!), but I couldn't be happier and more in love with this guy, and it's been FOURTEEN YEARS. That's HUGE. And I'm 100% sure he feels the same way and that's even HUGER, because I am not the easiest person in the world to live with, with my sarcasm, sassiness, moodiness, bossiness and all. The real kicker is that I can't wait for the next 14, 20, 35, 50, 60 years either, even though I refuse to get any older than 34, which may make it weird when we're celebrating our 50th anniversary and I'm still 34, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, and we WILL come to it, as long as we don't die first. I'm such a ray of sunshine aren't I?

Fourteen and a lifetime to go, we've come a LONG way, baby!

Kids Say the Darndest Things Vol. 398593

2011-11-10T21:48:00.000-06:00

I should really be writing Dakota's birthday post because tomorrow is her magic birthday...11-11-11, except she's 12, but it's been one of those nights. You know, the kind where the kids are driving you crazy, you think you "lost" your kid at basketball practice, panic big time, nearly puke, drive around town thinking he may be walking around in the freezing cold or lying in a ditch somewhere suffering from hypothermia, only to discover he was right where you briefly looked the first time 20 minutes after practice ended waiting for you with his coach who undoubtedly thinks you are a totally irresponsible parent, and the kind where your husband hits a deer on his way home from already working late only to delay him further? Oh and the kind of night where you write world's longest run on sentence and you don't even care? Yep, it's been THAT kind of night. I'm not winning any mother of the year awards tonight that's for sure. No big deal though, I have a reputation (Worst Mother of the Year) to uphold.

Anyway, I wrote this post the other day because when they aren't driving me crazy, our kids can be downright hilarious. I'm posting this to remind me of their awesomeness because tonight? Tonight? Not one of their better nights but I guess we're all entitled sometimes huh? How's that for real life mommy blogging? Just telling it like it is, folks. :)

*Previously recorded*

A few things I want to record, so that when the kids are grown and calling me with funny quips my grandchildren are saying, I'll pull up this post and remind them that the apple doesn't fall from the tree.

Speaking of grandchildren, have I told you that I actually have a list of potential baby names for my grandchildren? Oh yes, indeed I do. I figure I'll present it to their betrothed prior to the wedding with simple instructions that say, "My grandchildren(s) name(s) MUST be chosen from this list and if you can't commit to that then I'm sorry this isn't going to work." That's fine, right? :) But seriously, I do have a lengthy baby name list that I most certainly will be hanging on to until my babies are having babies. There are just so many great names out there and I'm certainly not going to have more children just for the naming of it (I'm no Michelle Duggar, 20?!? Seriously?!?), so this was the next best thing. And no, I'm not going to tell you the names on that list because HELLO, I'm saving them for my grandkids!

Sidenote: I'm really struggling with the fact that I'll be turning 35 in 19 months but thinking about grandkids? EXCITES me. I'm a walking contradiction.

BACK to my kids who are NOT having babies but instead are still just mere babies themselves. Big, wearing my shoes or have bigger feet than me babies, but babies nonetheless.

Last night, GI Joe was looking through Ryder's take home folder from school as we're supposed to do every night but rarely remember to do until 5 minutes before the bus arrives (admit it, we're not the only ones!),when he saw a note on Ryder's Success Chart. Their success charts are stamped each day based on their behavior, assignments completed, etc. When there is a mishap or misbehaving they lose a stamp for the day. On Ryder's success chart yesterday he lost a stamp for the following reason, "For doing pushups in the hallway." What could we do but laugh? I mean, who are we to deny him his physical fitness aspirations? Sometimes when the Spirit moves you to do pushups, you just gotta do 'em, no matter where you are. When asked about this Ryder just smiled and said, "I just felt like doing pushups since we didn't get to do any in PE." And Blade chimed in also to Ryder's defense with, "PE stinks lately, all they do is test us we don't even get to do stuff like pushups anymore." GET TO DO PUSHUPS?!? Oh yeah, they are definitely MY kids, because I'm the exact same way, POWER TO THE PUSHUPS! Or not. Of course GI Joe couldn't say it out loud but he was one proud pushup lovin' papa.

Dakota turns...gulp....swallow...gulp....12!!!! on Friday. We were planning her birthday festivities and this is that conversation.

Me: "So what do you want to do for your birthday?"
Dakota: "Oh I don't know. My friends have been wanting to come over to see the animals and eat cupcakes so I GUESS we could invite them over."
Me: "OK, that would be fun. Do you want them to spend the night?"
Dakota, horrified, looking at me as if I two heads and blue hair: "WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?!"
And scene. Again, a chip off the ol' block...or not.

Blade and Dakota have been begging GI Joe to watch a scary movie and Friday night was that night. The movie of choice was Paranormal Activity. I KNOW, judge HIM not me!! Ryder and I opted for watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills in my bedroom, which is equally frightening but slightly less demonic. The other 2 made it all the way thru the movie, although Dakota watched the last 10 minutes with her hands over her face peeking thru her fingers. GI Joe said the Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th movies that he watched at their ages were WAY scarier so he wasn't concerned that we'd be up all night warding kids out of our bed. Dakota's review of the movie was "Disturbing but I'm not scared." Immediately following the movie was bedtime. GI Joe was helping the boys get ready for bed when Blade said to him (all while motioning with his hands because that boy is nothing if not expressive), "So here's my DILEMMA. If I leave the light on in my room I won't be able to sleep but if I turn it off I won't be able to sleep either." Dilemma?!? Are you kidding me? Ultimately, the "dilemma" was solved by leaving the light on until he fell asleep. And surprisingly enough, we didn't hear another peep from any of them until morning. Apparently, they CAN handle their scary movies or Real Housewives as the case may be.

Another example of Blade and his stellar vocabulary, was last night at the dinner table and the case of the missing $5. Blade was sure he had a $8 stashed somewhere but when he went to get it last night there was only $3 and his $5 was missing. He suspected Dakota had taken it and was pleading his case, "Last night, I had $8 in my bank. Today only $3 and my $5 is missing. But COINCIDENTALLY, Dakota has $9 that she doesn't "remember" (and he did the air quotes, I assure you) where it came from. It's very suspicious." He's 9 and he's not even the writer/wordsmith of the family. That's Dakota. Dakota who in response to his accusations told him, "quit being so EMO." Emo? Just when I thought I was versed on pop culture and slang terms she throws "emo" at me. It's short for emotional but also encompasses melodramatic, all black wearing, sullen, kinda what we used to call Goth back in my day, in case you're wondering. As I've said before, I'm here to educate and inform you.

Happy Friday!

Stuff Happens

2011-11-07T20:01:00.000-06:00

Stuff like this...

ALWAYS, happens to me. Getting my necklace hopelessly tangled in my cupcake tree. It took the Jaws of Life to save me from certain death by necklace & cupcake tree. I may be smiling but I was just trying to mask the fear and panic.

Like the time my the belt of my sweater got caught in the paper shredder at work and I nearly suffered decapitation until I yelled for a coworker to save me and she walked over and SHUT OFF THE SHREDDER.

Or the time, I fractured my leg after graduating from the bunny slope to a real hill...ON THE FIRST TIME DOWN.

Or the time I was pulled over for Drunk Driving and FAILED the sobriety test after only drinking Diet Coke.

Or the time I was screaming for GI Joe to roll down my window because my hair was stuck in it. Never mind that my hands were fully capable of hitting the down button for MY window, I was too distracted with my hair whipping in the wind outside of the car window that was completely rolled up.

Or going into the ditch right in front of our house, while trying to back out of OUR OWN driveway.

Or the time I noticed a smoky smell coming from the oven while baking something and upon opening it discovered an OVEN MITT.

Or the time I sat in the passenger seat of the PMobile in the church parking lot for about 20 minutes waiting on GI Joe, only to get a call from him to remind me that he had driven separately to church and I'd have to drive myself home.

Or the time we took a different way home from church and came upon our house from the opposite direction that we normally do and I unknowingly exclaimed, "LOOK GI Joe, their house looks JUST LIKE OURS!"

Stuff happens. Yes, this is my natural(ish) hair color, why do you ask? :)

Happy Tuesday!

Scatterbrained

2011-11-01T20:57:00.000-05:00

I have started no less than 5 blog posts in the past 2 weeks and have completed, ummm, well, none of them (as you may or may not have noticed). I don't know what is wrong with me but I either sit down to blog and immediately get writer's block OR I type and type and type and when I stop I realize I've just spent 5 paragraphs talking about Kim Kardashian's break up and haven't even gotten to the real point of the blog yet so then I get frustrated and call it quits for the night. It's a vicious cycle of blog angst.
This is not one of the 5 posts I've started, this one will be strictly random bullet points because there are things that I want to record but in my current condition cannot seem to make an entire post out of it. So this will have to do for now.

*GI Joe thinks bacon is the smell of love. I made this tonight and when he walked in the house as I was frying the bacon he took a deep whiff, came over to me slaving away at the stove, gave me a kiss, and said "Awwwww BACON! You're making BACON?!? That is the best smell in the world. I LOVE YOU!" Ummm, ok. I like to think that he loves me even when I'm not frying bacon for him and the fact that he proclaimed his love for me in the same breath as proclaiming his love for bacon is strictly coincidence. Yankee Candle? Scentsy? Single women? How 'bout a Bacon scent? Guaranteed bestseller (or matchmaker). Sidenote: That bacon parmesan pasta? DELICIOUS. All 5 of us gave it two thumbs up which never EVER happens. To quote GI Joe, "this stuff is DANGEROUS." Don't worry I used whole wheat pasta and half and half instead of the cream so it was TOTALLY healthy.

*The older Dakota gets the more I realize she is nothing like me. She was telling me tonight that she had been invited to a bonfire at a friend's house on Friday night. I asked her if she wanted to go and she said, "No, I don't really like to be around people." Seriously, a 6th grade girl turning down a party with her friends because she doesn't like to be around people? I immediately called my Smom because this is a chip off of the old Papa block. My dad (the pastor) is so much the same way. Get him in a group of people, even if they're people he's known for years, people he likes even, he'll last MAYBE 30 minutes before there's something more pressing that he has to do, somewhere he has to go, to get him out of there. Even when his own daughters, son in laws, and grandkids descend on their house for holidays he inevitably disappears for a few hours always to work at the church or as we like to joke plan someone's funeral. Gotta love him. He and Dakota are twin souls which is probably why they enjoy each other's company so much. No need to talk, they can just sit there with their antisocial selves and have a grand ol' time. :)

*Imagine a witty transition here*

*Today, my son, age 9, surpassed me in shoe size. When we did back to school shopping (a mere 2 months ago), I was shocked to learn that Blade needed a size 6 in MENS. I could wear his shoes! Imagine my surprise today when he got his basketball shoes and they were SIZE 7 in MENS. What the what?!? How is this happening? Let's not hope this is going to be his growth rate from here on out. He's NINE?!?

*We haven't really talked TV since the new fall season started, so let's do that now, shall we? My absolute favorite new show is "Up All Night". I LOVE this show. It reminds me of our early days of parenting and just cracks me up. This show motivates me to get out of bed on Wednesday mornings. Good stuff. Also, if you've ever wondered what GI Joe is really like, Tim Allen's character on this show will give you a pretty good idea. Our whole family gets a kick out of this show, probably because some of the things Tim Allen's character says we can totally hear or have heard GI Joe say. Pretty stinkin' funny if you ask us. And now I've probably just sentenced my 2 favorite new shows to immediate cancellation so hurry and check them out before they're gone.

*In case you've been wondering why I've been so sporadic in my blogging, which you probably aren't because if you've been reading for any amount of time you know blogging inconsistently and sometimes infrequently is just how I roll, but this time I have a good reason. I've been very busy....making cupcakes...and launching this...

Suck It Up Cupcakes
You know, in my abundance of free time and all. I figured I'm making cupcakes all the time anyway because it makes me happy so I might as well share the love and maybe make a little fun money in the process. Really, I just love the logo that Miss Emily Phipps of Styled fame designed for me. So even if this little side biz doesn't work out I'll always have this adorable logo hanging on my kitchen wall and that's good enough for me.

*My sister Hilary (Micah & Kaydence's mom) in TN, is PREGNANT! AND as if that wasn't enough, the baby could very well be born on MY BIRTHDAY! It would only be right considering I had Ryder on her birthday 8 years ago. This will make me an aunt of EIGHT! Move over Kate there's a new eight in town. Oh and did I mention I *accidentally* announced it to the facebook world the very day she told me, which happened to be the day before she finished telling everyone she needed to tell, some of which happen to also be my facebook friends? Oops. In my defense, she didn't say NOT to and also they told us by her husband sending us a picture of pee in a toilet followed by an oops. And it wasn't even the pee that had made the pregnancy test pink it was HIS staged to make us think it was hers! GROSS, either way really, but even worse since it was pee without meaning! As you can imagine, I was traumatized and cannot be held responsible for my actions from there on out.

And now if you'll excuse me it's time to go watch "Last Man Standing" and then head to bed because the crud that's been going around is trying to take me prisoner and I'm fresh out of ~~brandy~~ medicine so all signs point to this not ending well for me. Wish me luck or drunk, whichever.

PEEce out. ;)

Boys Will Be Boys...and the Death of Me

2011-10-19T17:45:00.000-05:00

I've always heard boys are so much easier to raise than girls. I can see that in some respects. I mean, you don't have the mood swings, the drama, OH THE DRAMA!, and the shopping for bras and other delightful, coming of age, girl specific experiences. Hello, puberty talk of 5th grade, I'm looking at you. But easier? Well, that depends on your definition of easier is. If by easier you mean, less drama and mood swings, more dirt and roughhousing, then yes, I would say easier. BUT, what all those wise scholars forgot to mention is that raising boys has its own set of joys. Joys that include but are not limited to, a constant bathroom battle (if you have boys you understand) to not knowing what you may find in the washing machine after you wash their jeans, ex: fishing lure, a once living frog, fruit rollups, worms, etc. Also, in the Raising Boys manual there should be a warning sign similar to those in front of the scary roller coasters at amusement parks that says, "Warning: For safety, you should be in good health and free from high blood pressure, heart, back or neck problems, motion sickness, or other conditions that could be aggravated by this adventure."

It's becoming increasingly apparent this week especially that raising boys is not for the faint of heart. And mine is getting weaker by the second.

It all started with a nail biter football game on Saturday morning, in which Blade's team pulled out the win in the final 50 SECONDS of the game. 50 WHOLE SECONDS wherein I couldn't breathe and thought my head was going to explode. Now I fully understand why my father in law had 2 heart attacks shortly after his sons graduated high school. Clearly, it was from watching his boys' football game all those years (and other sports contributed too I'm sure) because my word, at the intensity. My sister Heidi, sat next to me during the game and said at one point, "Wow, this is so STRESSFUL and INTENSE and it's only 4th grade!!!" Preaching to the choir sister, and to think we have at least 9 more years of this. Better step up the cardio workout in preparation. (As if.)

Then there was Monday. Monday, the first day of our "Free Week." It was our free week because football ended on Saturday and basketball and wrestling haven't started yet so that meant that Mama could take the taxi meter out of the Princess Mobile for the week because the only place I had to chauffeur anyone to was Dakota to piano lessons on Wednesday. Which sure beats running someone somewhere 4 nights a week as I've been doing for the past 2 months. I was so looking forward to staying home once I got home from work on Monday night. I had high hopes of pajamas, quality time with the Tivo, and perhaps some cupcakes thrown in for good measure. Because I'm borderline OCD, I can't fully relax until the house is tidied up so I sent the kids to their room with the simple task of straightening them up. I gave them 30 minutes to do so because they weren't that bad just needed some minor cosmetic work aka picking up the underwear off the floor. I kept hearing loud pounding, yelling, and such from that area of the house but ignored it because I was cleaning the kitchen. I even gave them an extra 15 minutes to get their rooms presentable just to make sure they had plenty of time.

Oh they had plenty of time alright. Plenty of time to LOCK THEIR SISTER IN THE CLOSET.

Finally, the pounding and slamming got so incessant that I went to the boys' room to investigate. There I discovered Dakota was locked in the closet and the boys were pretending to clean their room while conversing with their sister.

"THE BOYS LOCKED ME IN THE CLOSET!" a muffled Dakota said thru the door.

"She walked in there! We just shut the door behind her!" the boys retorted with *innocent* smirks on their faces.

We don't actually have locks on our closet doors so I figured it couldn't be that hard to open it. But it was. Somehow it was jammed and the doorknob acted like it was stripped because no matter how many times I turned it nothing happened. I found a screwdriver and thought maybe I could jimmy it open but no such luck. I got out the drill thinking I would take the door of the hinges, which would've been a great plan except that the hinges were on the inside of the door so plan failed. I was getting exasperated and irritated. Not because I was concerned for my daughter's safety but moreso because all I wanted to do was lay on the couch in my cozy pajamas and watch CSI, dang it!

It didn't help matters that Dakota was in the closet saying things like, "Blade, when I die, tell Vicki she gets all my Pokemon stuff. And Ryder, when I die, you STILL can't play with my Pokemon DS game. I may not make it out of here alive!"

Remember what I said about girls and drama? Case and point.

I called GI Joe who was working late to gave him the lowdown and also to see if he had any helpful tips for getting the door open. He LAUGHED. I was not in the laughing mood but I'm glad he was entertained by it. He told me a few things to do, which I did, to no avail, and then said he'd leave his office and be home in 30 minutes. The only comfort to Dakota that she would remain imprisoned for another 30 minutes was Ryder slipping her DS under the door for her to play. See? He really does care!

You know how when you tell your kids to do something and they don't and then something bad happens and then it's really hard for you to feel sorry for them? Umm, yeah that's how I felt. No sympathy here. If she'd been in her own room cleaning it like she was supposed to she wouldn't have gotten locked in her brothers' closet. And as for the boys? They stuck to their "she walked in" story but don't think I bought it for a second. They got the "if you would've been doing cleaning your room like you were supposed to, you would've been done by now and wouldn't be going to bed early tonight for LOCKING YOUR SISTER IN THE CLOSET!" talk. To be honest, I was actually trying to figure out which closet to lock THEM in!!! I tease...maybe.

Finally, GI Joe got home and rescued her. It took a sawzall to get her out. A SAWZALL?!? Our boys don't do anything halfway. Well, EXCEPT for cleaning their room.

So last night when I came home to find a cute, little gift wrapped package that said "To: Mommy, Love: The Koons Kids", taped to the front door, I figured they were trying to make up for their prior infractions. They had gotten into the Christmas wrapping paper, ribbons and all, so it was one good looking package. My heart swelled with love as I gushed, "Oh you guys are so sweet! I can't believe you got me a present!" Blade watched me like a Hawk with this small, sweet grin on his face. He seemed so excited and proud of himself. I began opening it, slowly, because I was savoring the moment, this outpouring of love from my children.

I peeled away the paper and saw something, something that did NOT look sparkly or shiny or handpainted in art class. At first, I saw packing tape and then I slowly peeled back more paper. And then I threw that sucker up 10 feet in the air and ran away screaming. Why? I'll tell you why. Because *they* had gift wrapped a DEAD MOUSE and given it to me! A DEAD MOUSE! A REAL LIVE DEAD MOUSE! Blade and Ryder thought it was the funniest thing they'd ever seen and were laying on the floor laughing hysterically. Finally, Dakota made an appearance and said, "Didn't you hear me telling you not to open it?" Obviously, I didn't. But I appreciate that she at least made an attempt to save me. We girls have to stick together at our house.

When Blade was finally able to breathe again after laughing so hard, he said to me with a big, mischievous grin on his face, "That's your payback for making us go to bed early last night. You don't want to mess with us."

Oh REALLLLLLLLY?!?

Never mind that they went to bed early because they LOCKED THEIR SISTER IN A CLOSET!!!!!

I'm not even safe in my own home with these 2 boys around. And I have a feeling it's just the beginning.

They're so much like their father it's frightening. Seriously, it's ALL him. I'm as straight laced as they come. Or will be just as soon as I figure out how to get them back for the gift wrapped dead mouse stunt. Ideas?!? ;)

Parents in Low Places

2011-10-12T21:33:00.000-05:00

Ever hear yourself say something to your kids that you instantly think, "I can't believe I just said that, what kind of parent am I?"

Don't be shy, it happens to the best (and worst of us). Including yours truly, which probably comes as no surprise since I am a repeat recipient of the prestigious "Worst Mother of the Year" award. In the spirit of full disclosure and helping others learn from my mistakes, I'm going to share it with you. If someone becomes a better parent after reading my parenting faux pas, well, then I'm willing to sacrifice my dignity.

Recently, the kids and I were driving in the car, jamming out to the radio, country radio to be exact, as I heard those familiar notes that took me right back to the 90's. Even though I was "black" when the song came out it doesn't matter, everyone who was the ages of 12-25 knew every word to this song and still does. Even if you hate country (like I did when I was black) you probably know at least a few words to this song. Am I right?

Blame it all on my roots, I showed up in boots.....

I immediately cranked it up as loud as it would go because that's what you do when Garth Brooks circa 1990 comes on the radio.

And then you sing as LOUD AS YOU CAN.

And ruined your black tie affair, the last one to know, the last one to show, I was the last one you thought you'd see there..

"Mommy, why did you turn it up SO LOUD?!" At least I think that's what they were screaming over the blaring radio and my awesome singing...

And I saw the surprise, the fear in his eyes, when I took his glass of champagne. And I toasted you, said honey we may be through, but you'll never hear me COMPLAINNNNNN...

"MOMMY?!? What is this song?"

"This is Garth Brooks "Friends in Low Places", listen and learn my children," as I cranked it up a few more notches.

"CUZ I'VE GOT FRIENDS IN LOOOOW PLACES...." (hand motions included)

"Kids, listen closely because this is one of those songs you need to know in life. Everyone knows this song and you'll be expected to sing along when it comes on no matter where you are."

"But why Mommy?!? It's SO old."

"Because kids, this song is played in every bar you'll ever go to."

WHERE THE WHISKEY DROWNS AND THE BEER CHASES MY BLUES AWAY AND I'LL BE OKAY...

Record scratch, rewind, wait, what? Am I really singing this loudly and telling my kids to learn the words to "the whiskey drowning and the beer chasing their blues away" because it's played in every BAR THEY'LL EVER GO TO?!?

Turn off the radio Casey Kasem, we've got a parenting FAIL on our hands.

Scrambling to recover, "Uhhh I mean, every dance you'll go to in school, and at lots of concerts artists will play this song, and weddings, it's always played at weddings, because it's a classic country song. And you'd better NEVER EVER hear it in a bar because you have no reason to be in a bar."

"How do you know they play it in bars, Mommy?"

"Uhhhh....I've just seen it on TV, now how about we listen to some Elmo or some Veggie Tales?"

But they are so over Elmo and Veggie Tales, so instead I rewrote the lyrics to this classic, everybody ought to know song.

Friends in Low Places (Kid Style)

Blame it all on my roots, I showed up in boots
And ruined your black tie affair
I was the last one to know, the last one to show, I was the last one you thought you'd see there (because it was past my bedtime)
And I saw the surprise and the fear in his eyes when I spilled his glass of KOOLAID
Then I toasted you said Honey, we may be thru but you'll never hear me complain! (unless you make me eat spinach again)
Cuz I got friends in low places (because they're 4 feet tall)
Where the Pepsi drowns and the CHEER chases my blues away
And I'll be okay
Well, I'm not big on social graces
Think I'll slip on down to the O-aaaaa-sis
Cause I've got friends in loooooow places

I would think as a parent himself, Garth would've recorded this kid friendly version of the song but my internet searches for it have proven fruitless.

As for me,
Well, I guess I was wrong
I just don't belong (in the good parents club)
But then, I've been there before (like alot)
Everything's alright
I'll just say goodnight
And show myself to the door

Cuz I'm a parent in low places. :)

Brain Cupcakes and Blade

2011-10-08T07:16:00.000-05:00

At the beginning of the school year, Blade's teacher sent out an email recruiting Mystery Readers. A Mystery Reader's duties included but were not limited to, showing up on a Friday afternoon to read a couple of stories to the class. I was ALL OVER THAT. Mainly because it was a one parent gig. Meaning, there were no other classroom moms to coordinate with, no who's bringing what and who wants to plan what games emails back and forth, and no PTA politics (VMPEC as it's called in our school). None of which I am fond of, by the way. It was just me, a book, and a room full of 4th graders, one of which happens to be my Blade. I emailed her back and told her I was in and she gave me a date of Friday, October 7th and then asked me to send her 4 clues about myself that she would read to the class to see if they could guess before I made my grand entrance. After much deliberation and thought, I sent the following clues:
1) I love to read and usually read at least one book a week. It's an addiction.
2) I love pink, shooting stuff (just not hunting, gross), riding 4 wheelers, playing with my animals, cooking, shopping, blogging, going to concerts, travelling, oh yeah and my family.
3) I have met and had my picture taken with 12 country and pop stars. If you want your picture taken with me because that kind of makes me a celebrity, please stay after class.
4) I graduated from this very school in 1996, which may seem like a very long time ago but it really wasn't THAT long ago.
And then I asked the teacher if I could bring cupcakes because "baking is my love language."

She responded and said never mind she didn't think I was cut out for the Mystery Reader program because they are trying to encourage the kids to say NO to drugs and it probably wouldn't be appropriate to have someone who is so obviously on drugs read to the class.
Just kidding. She loved my clues and gave me the go ahead to bring treats. Keep in mind that this is a new to us teacher as none our kids have had her before. In the few times I've interacted with her I've liked her but we didn't really know each other much. I think that's changed now and I wouldn't be surprised if she calls and wants to do lunch. Except I'll probably have to pass on lunch because 15 minutes in the teacher's lounge @ 10:45 a.m.? Ummm, nothing personal but no thanks. ;)

Once the details were squared away, I began the search for the perfect book to read to the class since the Mystery Reader was to bring their own choice of books. TALK ABOUT PRESSURE! I wanted something quirky, something funny, something cutting edge. Something the kids would associate with me and forever think of me as THE COOLEST MYSTERY READER/MOM EVER. I ordered this book. Listen, any book whose complete title is "Frankenstein Makes a Sandwich and Other Stories You're Sure to Like Because They're All About Monsters and Some of Them Are Also About Food. You Like Food Don't You? Well, Alright Then," is speaking my language and a winner in my book.

Then began the painstaking process of deciding which cupcakes to bake for the occasion. MORE PRESSURE! I'd seen a recipe awhile back for Brain Blood Clot Cupcakes and thought they fit the bill perfectly, to go along with our monsters/food/creepy theme. And I felt with a degree of certainty that no other Mystery Reader had ever or will ever bring BRAIN BLOOD CLOT CUPCAKES when they read so...SOLD. My goal was to be the best Mystery Reader ever, the Mystery Reader Mom that made all other MR Moms or Dads past and present pale in comparison.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Sorry other Mystery Reader Moms and Dads, you don't have a prayer going up against this killer combo.

I wasn't supposed to tell Blade when I was doing it so that he would be just as surprised as everyone else. And I didn't. I wrote it on the calendar in the kitchen that no one but me ever looks at. Or at least they have never looked at until Tuesday night before when Dakota loudly asked, "WHAT IS THIS MYSTERY READER THING ON THE CALENDAR FOR ON FRIDAY OCTOBER 7TH?" Really Dakota, REALLY? Did the "Mystery" part of that not make you stop and think that maybe it's supposed to be, oh I don't know, a MYSTERY?!? Of course, Blade heard her and came over to inspect the calendar and then grinned because it was no mystery to him. No amount of back peddling I did convinced him otherwise, not even when the next day I told him I had switched with another mom so he wouldn't know which day I was coming. He didn't buy it at all, he's a smart one, that kid. But he promised to play along and not ruin it for the other kids in his class. I had my doubts.
Finally, Friday arrived and I went into work at SUPER EARLY THIRTY, so early Starbucks wasn't even open yet, so that I would be off work in time to head to the school for my very important gig. The things we do for our kids.

Timing was crucial because at exactly 2:45 Blade's teacher would read the 4 clues and then open the door to the classroom and I would ~~sashay~~ walk into the classroom ~~amid cheering, applause, and paparazzi.~~ Blade told me that when she read the clues some kids guessed "Lady Gaga" as their Mystery Reader so when I walked in I heard, "That's NOT Lady Gaga that's Blade's mom!" Darn it, I KNEW I should've worn my meatsuit!

I sat down in the MR chair at the front of the room and before I could open the book, I was bombarded with 563 questions. "Tell us about your animals", "Have you MET Lady Gaga?" (NO), "My sister says she's been past your farm and you have some PREHISTORIC BIRDS is that true?" (EMUS?), "Do you know who my brother is? Blade's dad helped him join the Army remember?" (YES). They had lots of questions about the Koons Zoo and many invited themselves over saying, "I want to come to your house, you have so many animals AND Blade says you make cupcakes!" I told them the story about how I was a city girl but then married Blade's dad who was a farm boy who said he could never live in the city and so I moved to the country and decided all this wide open space needed animals to fill it and thus began the Koons Zoo. "You were a...CITY GIRL?!?" Gasp. That took my credibility to a whole other level. To convert from urban, city girl to a country girl with a farm full of animals? I am an inspiration. :)

After an intense Q & A session, the teacher told them it was time for the story with the promise that they could ask me more questions once we were done reading.
Then I read Frankenstein Makes A Sandwich to them and they laughed at the silliness of the book and the awesome illustrations and my occasional commentary. They were especially enthralled by the last short story in the book titled, "Godzilla Pooped on My Honda." Perhaps I should've read the book entirely through before reading it to the class and maybe censored some, but no, that's not how I roll.

Then it was CUPCAKE TIME.

I solemnly announced to the class that I had brought treats but I didn't know if all of them would be able to stomach them since they were made of BRAINS and BLOOD CLOTS. Eyes got wide all around the classroom and they waited with bated breath as Blade proudly distributed the cupcakes. Then we got to answer the question, "Are these real brains/blood?" approximately 30 times. Rest assured the answer was no, they were not real, the brains were just frosting and the blood clots were just cherry pie filling.
The consensus of the class? MOST AWESOME CUPCAKES EVER.

I would love to be a fly on the wall when they went home to their parents and told them they read a story about Godzilla pooping on their Honda and then ate brain cupcakes with blood in them. Or when Susie's mom asks her what kind of cake she wants for her birthday and she replies with, "BRAIN CUPCAKES WITH BLOOD CLOTS IN THEM!"

While the kids were eating their ~~brains~~ cupcakes, I had a chance to chat with Blade's teacher. She gushed, "I love having Blade in my class, he's just such a cool kid. He seems so old in his mannerisms and how he talks and just everything about him, that I forget he's only a 4th grader. And he's SO smart. It's just really enjoyable to have him in my class." It could've been the cupcakes talking or the fact that she had just gotten a 30 minute reprieve while I read to the kids but either way that was the icing on the cake of my great day.

Then the sound of 18 kids clamoring around me wanting to play the "Do you know my name?" game brought me back from cloud 9.

The good news is that I now know by sight the names of every kid in Blade's class. Also, which of the 18 to avoid if possible because holy cow at the annoying.

The bad news is they're demanding a class field trip to the Koons Zoo and they want to see PREHISTORIC BIRDS and EAT MORE CUPCAKES and can I call LADY GAGA and make sure she's there too?!?

I asked Blade on our way home from school, "So was I like, the BEST mystery reader EVER?"
"Umm, well, we've only had one other one so I can't really say. But the cupcakes were good."

Who taught this kid to be so matter of fact and honest? It was kinda like Godzilla had just pooped on my Honda.

Pooping on my Honda aside, I had a blast and I still have hopes that I will go down in 4th grade history as the Greatest Mystery Reader of all time. Hey, if Frankenstein can make a sandwich, I can aim high too.

Let Me Count the Ways...

2011-10-04T05:00:00.000-05:00

GI Joe turns 34 today. He's soooo old, I know. He's so lucky to be married to a spring chicken that keeps him young. I cherish those 7 months a year that he's older than me. In honor, I thought I would do the most cliche thing on the planet and list 34 fun facts about him. Actually, I take that back, I'm kinda busy tonight baking birthday cupcakes, making PRE birthday cookie dough truffles for him, and watching Mike and Molly, so I'm only going to list 17 things. I did some math and it turns out that 17 is half of 34. Who said I was bad at math?!?

Here we go...

1. He loves chocolate chip cookie dough (don't we all?) but it makes him really happy if I dish him out some BEFORE I add the chocolate chips. He's not a fan of the chocolate chips in cookie dough, says their "waxy".

2. He has a severe sweet tooth. All those cupcakes I bake? He's my official taste tester and enjoys every second of it.

3. He has amazing willpower. Which is how he keeps his boyish figure in spite of the cupcakes. He limits himself to just one. Have you ever heard of such a thing?!? :)

4. He LOVES LOVES LOVES the Detroit Lions and has since 1985 when Chuck Long of the Iowa Hawkeyes (another one of his first loves) went to the Lions. That's like 25 years, people!! He's been with them through many a losing season and you can imagine his elation at their so far undefeated season. Every year he tells me, "THIS is gonna be their year!" and this year, I actually believe him.

5. He's a homebody. He'd much rather stay home on the prairie than anything. I'm exactly that way too, except NOT AT ALL, so we're a good balance. I drag him out occasionally and he shows me the beauty of staying home sometimes.

6. His newest and most delicious hobby is smoking stuff. Not stuff as in illegal stuff but stuff as in delectable meats, cheeses, and even the occasional frozen pizza (seriously, it.'s delish). I commissioned his brofriend John, to build him a smoker last year for his birthday and I have to say, SMARTEST, BEST, present EVER. :)

7. His musical loves are country, real country "not this new crap they keep playing on the radio" (he's talking to you Band Perry). But it might surprise you to know that he also loves Michael Buble and 50's and 60's music.

8. He is freakishly strong. He can bring a grown man to his knees while shaking his hand just by squeezing. Probably from all that farm boy work.

9. He's a talk radio junkie and says it makes him smarter. I say it makes him seem REALLY old and a little nerdy. :)

10. He reads online newspapers from all over the world, specifically the Middle East, on a daily basis just to stay in the know and so he can enlighten the rest of us, whether we want him to or not.

11. He lettered in every sport in high school...football, baseball, track, basketball, and was really good at all of them, especially football (see #8). Obviously, our mutual athleticism is one of the ties that binds us....or not.

12. Winter is his favorite season. Winter is the bane of my existence. He loves the snow and gets giddy excited when there's substantial snow in the forecast. I love him in spite of this character flaw.

13. He's been in the military for 15 years and recruiting full time for 9 years. 9 YEARS! Average tenure of a recruiter is 3-4 years max given the demands, the stress, the hours, etc, so 9 is kind of a big deal. We should both get some kind of award for this.

14. He can quote every word of the movie "Monty Python and the Holy Grail". It's really unfortunate that space in his brain has been wasted on this.

15. He had a higher GPA (3.5) in high school than I did ...barely. But I'm still better at spelling SO THERE.

16. Bacon is his favorite food group.

17. He hates having his picture taken, which is unfortunate since I'm kind of a camera Nazi. But he grins and bears it...usually.

Happy Birthday GI Joe! The world became a brighter place 34 years ago today when you came into the world. I can't even imagine my life without you. Looking forward to celebrating 100 more birthdays with you. And yes, I'll bake cupcakes and even puree them for you if you need me to when you're really old. ;) You're the perfect one for me , love you to infinity and beyond!

Mistaken Identity

2011-09-28T22:01:00.000-05:00

After the events that transpired today I have to trade in this shirt..

For this one....

That's right...MEN in uniform, as in plural.

On my lunch today I thought I'd run over to the furniture store and take a look around as GI Joe and I have been discussing new furniture.

Imagine my surprise and delight when I walked into the couch section of the store and saw the back of my beloved husband in uniform.

"Ahhh how sweet! I must've mentioned to him that I was going to run over here on my lunch and he thought he'd surprise me and look with me! What an awesome husband I have! I love him!"

I sidled up to him, wrapped my arms around him from the side, cuddled my way into my spot by his side, under his arm, and flirtatiously said, "What are YOU doing here?" while batting my eyelashes heavily. Let it be known, that I know how to WORK IT GIRL.

I was pouring it on so thick and batting my eyes so heavily, that it took me a second to look up into my beloved's face.

A very long second...

In that second, I thought to myself, "He smells weird." Because my GI Joe? He only wears cologne when he's NOT wearing his uniform but somehow he still always smells great. It's his top secret bodywash and deoderant or maybe it's just the essence of GI Joe. He just smells good and clean and masculine. So good in fact that the other day when he walked into the gas station, the clerk said to him, "Mmmmmm...you smell WONDERFUL." A little forward, yes but I couldn't be mad because she speaks the truth. So the fact that he didn't emanate his normal "Swagger" smell? Should've been a clue.

Because then I looked up into his face, the face I promised to love, honor, cherish til death do us part.

EXCEPT IT WASN'T MY HUSBAND!!!

Then everything went into slow motion and I put my hands to my face as it turned 14 shades of red and said, " OOOOOOOH YOU'RE NOT MY HUSBAND!!!"

To which the nice man in the matching uniform to my husband's said nicely, although a bit taken aback, "No, I'm not." Then he smiled.

And with that I ran out of the store never to return, while he went home to his wife and told his wife, "Hey honey, found a new couch and a wife I didn't know I had today."

In my defense, he was the same height, build, hair (or fuzz colored since there really isn't much hair), same red neck (and I mean the actual color of his neck not his upbringing or way of life but let's be honest GI Joe is a redneck in more ways than one) and was standing just like GI Joe does. Upon further reflection, I now realize that most people in uniform stand that way because it's kinda part of their military training, so sue me. Also, and please don't think I'm a racist, but they all kinda look alike when in uniform, especially when they have their hats on.

Exhibit A

If you turned these boys around you'd never be able to tell the difference. Please note neither of these is my husband.

To insure that I don't make this mistake again, let's play a little game.

Pictured left to right: Not my husband, not my husband, not my husband, not my husband, REALLY not my husband, and not my husband.

But this? THIS is my husband.

I win! Isn't he so cute?

This is my husband who I just begged and pleaded with to get him to go put his uniform BACK on 20 minutes after he just got out of it just so I could take this picture for the blog. And he complied. Even AFTER I hugged another man in uniform today. That's just the kind of awesome guy he is.

So the next time you see a man in uniform, any man, doesn't matter who, doesn't even matter what kind of uniform. Could be a soldier, a firefighter, a policeman, the pest control guy, whomever, walk up to him, wrap your arms around him in an inappropriate and awkward manner, and then thank him for his service. Or run away shrieking, "YOU'RE NOT MY HUSBAND!!", whichever you prefer.

Do it for me, do it for your country.

The Chicken Whisperer

2011-09-20T19:44:00.000-05:00

As I was reading thru blog posts that I had started but never finished, I realized I never told you about our grand ol' time at the county fair and our subsequent initiation into the world of 4Her's. It would be an utter disservice to you if I didn't post it because you just never know when the things you see here will come in handy in your own day to day lives. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm here to inform and educate ya'll.

Starting with How to Give Your Chicken a Bath 101

Step 1: Get up really early the morning of the chicken show. Look half asleep, don't bother getting fully dressed because you live in the country after all, no one is around to see your fashion faux pas. Oh wait, Dakota is fully dressed it was the photographer who may or may not have still been in her PJ's. Fill 3 buckets with warm water. The first bucket is just plain water, the second is a bucket of warm water mixed with Pantene Pro-V with Extra Shine Booster, and the 3rd is water and vinegar for even more added shine, according to the 4Her's Guide to Showing Poultry.

Step 2: Dunk your chicken in each bucket, starting with the water rinse, followed by the shampoo, finished up with the pickled chicken dip.

Step 2: Let the chicken spend a little time in each bucket to kick back and relax to prepare for her big day of being on display at the fair. It ain't easy being pretty.

Give a lady her privacy as she lounges in the tub.

"Hey can I get a People magazine and a Diet Coke up in here? CALGON take me away!"

Settle down Reba, Diet Coke coming right up.

Step 3: Be sure to name your red chickens Reba, Wynonna, and Lucy. And then address them by their names any time you speak to them which should be frequently because chickens have feelings too!

Step 4: File a restraining order against the peeping tom rooster who keeps strutting around trying to get a peek. Pervert.

The restraining order will prove useless but chasing him off while imitating him and cock-a-doodle-dooing loudly turns out to be quite effective (and hilarious.)

Step 4: Lather the ol' girls up with the Pantene Pro-V so they can look like they just stepped out of a salon and the other hens at the poultry show will be jealous of their gorgeous, shiny, flowing ~~locks~~ feathers.

"To the left a little, now up, ahhhhh right there, that's the spot."

Step 5: Towel dry with a fluffy towel. Or if you're in a hurry you can blow dry them but we were trying to keep the traumization to a minimum for the day.

Step 6: Once everyone's had the full spa treatment, load Lucy, Wynonna, and Reba up in their transport cage and give them strict instructions not to poop on each other. Try to ignore the pickle smell that emanates from them. Focus more on their shining, clean beauty and the fact that they didn't seem to mind bathing in the least. Never mind that everything you'd read about chicken bathing (and yes, you read quite a bit about it) said they wouldn't like it and might be spastic. Of course, the only chickens in the world who enjoy pampering and warm baths live at the Koons Zoo, where else would they live?

Step 7: Arrive at the fair and positively BEAM because you're so proud of your chickens and so excited and nervous for your first poultry show. I mean, look at the gloss on those girls, it's blinding! Also, you may feel like throwing up from nerves or so we've heard.

Step 8: Impress the poultry judge with your vast chicken knowledge, your beautiful chickens, how you handle them correctly, and how bonded you are with your chickens. Apparently, not everyone at the poultry shows names and holds their chickens daily. Weirdos.

Step 9: When the judge is done with you and you put your chickens away, turn around to your mom and dad and make the funniest face ever and loudly breathe a sigh of relief. And yay for you, you didn't puke!!!

Step 10: Bring home the BLUE RIBBON because you and your chickens know how to work it, girl!
Step 11: And while you're at it bring home a second blue ribbon for your awesome, non chicken related artwork.

Step 12: Once your work at the chicken show is done, go watch a show featuring pigs who do tricks and listen to your mom exclaim loudly the whole time..."GI JOE, WE CAN'T BUTCHER HORMEL LET'S TEACH HER TRICKS INSTEAD!!!"

Step 13: Roll your eyes and sigh loudly. Because your mom? She'll never be half the country girl you are. Silly mommy, pigs are for bacon not for tricks.

Step 14: Consider your first venture to the county fair as a 4H'er a smashing success and begin planning immediately for next year's showing which will likely expand beyond chickens and include calves, pigs, and/or goats. Roll your eyes again as your mom tells you that you'll have to get much bigger buckets to give a goat or a pig a bath.

Step 15: Head home after signing autographs, fending off crazed fans, and making media appearances (aka posing for pictures for your mother), tell your chickens they made you proud and then tuck them into bed in the barnyard. Fall asleep with a huge smile on your face and your blue ribbons proudly displayed on your wall.

Caped Crusaders

2011-09-14T21:14:00.000-05:00

A few months ago, while on my annual girls weekend with my sisters, smom, and daughter we visited 6 Flags St Louis, because we're adrenaline junkies and because nothing screams girls weekend like actually screaming like girls while riding various scary roller coasters. I realize now that I never blogged about that delightful weekend, one of the many regrets of my blogging life. I think I'll just show you this picture which basically sums up our girls weekend and also tells you what kind of people we are.

Superheroes, that's what kind.

While we were at Six Flags we happened upon these capes and decided they would make great souvenirs for the boys we left behind at home. Boys meaning Micah, age 4, Blade, age 9, Ryder age (then) 7, and GI Joe age 33. Oh yes, yes I did buy GI Joe a Green Lantern cape and at this very moment it's hanging off one of the bedposts in our room. TMI? Probably but it's true. My guy loves him some Marvel comic superheroes. The capes were really cheap, as in $5, FIVE DOLLARS, so my sister Brandy and Dakota also decided they needed one. I mean really, every girl should have a little black Batgirl cape in her closet, right? Right. Six capes later and a photo op was born. We were all about the photo ops, see?

Oh and we had matching shirts, because we're just that awesome. It's ok to be jealous.

After our fabulous weekend filled with estrogen, cupcakes, ice cream, chocolate, Uno, roller coasters, and laughs we headed home. I was so excited to give my boys their souvenirs because let's be honest, boys+superhero capes are like chocolate+peanut butter, they just belong together. Even though I had to tear them from the clenched, reluctant hands of my sisters after we posed for our superhero picture. Note to self: Christmas gift idea.

As expected the boys, all 3 of them, were thrilled by their souvenirs. As was NOT expected, they immediately put them on and went outside to play....football. Not to play superheroes or an imaginary game of Batman vs. the Joker but...football, obviously.

They were certain that the capes made them run faster, throw further, and tackle harder. Who was I to argue?

Not pictured, GI Joe in his Green Lantern cape because well, I told you where it resides and this is NOT that kind of blog. :)

The capes have come in handy for more than just football. On Ryder's birthday we went to a local arcade/pizza place that gives you an extra $10 on your game card if you wear a superhero costume. And just like that I got a 200% return on my initial cape investment. Ka-POW!

Never one to miss out on a bargain, I borrowed GI Joe's cape since he thought wearing it over his uniform would look ridiculous. Because a 33 year old mother of 3, wearing it over her shorts and tshirt did NOT look ridiculous. When we got up to the cashier and placed our order for 5 pizza buffets and 5 game cards, I proudly said to her, "And LOOK, four of us are wearing our superhero costumes so don't forget our extra $10!!!" Yes, I am THAT mom. And yes, I was the ONLY mom wearing a superhero costume...weird. Anything for a buck, or ten as the case may be.

Have a SUPER Thursday! Truth, justice, and the hillbilly way.

Weekend Update

2011-09-05T22:48:00.000-05:00

What a weekend. I love 3 day weekends. I especially love 3 day weekends when the weather is perfect (mostly), my laundry gets done, my house stays clean for more than 2 hours at a time, and I get to bake cupcakes.

And what better way to start out a 3 day weekend than by spending Friday doing Habitat for Humanity. You guys, I mastered the chop saw! I was the CUTTER. And it felt good, real GOOD. I may or may not be addicted to power tools, I'm just sayin'.

And I helped build a wall. Isn't that the most beautiful wall you've ever laid eyes on? I know.

You need some help with a home remodeling project? You need a wall built? You call me. The girls and I will fix you right up. Look for us on the cover of Construction Illustrated: Girls in Hardhats Edition coming soon to a newstand near you.

Saturday, GI Joe, Blade, my Dad, and GI Joe's Dad headed to Iowa City for the first Hawkeye game of the season aka my first Saturday of being a football widow. I love going to the games too (not because I know anything that's going on but I love the hot dogs, the atmosphere, and the people watching, oh and the Hawkeyes) but I willingly sat this one out so they could have some male bonding time and because Dakota, Ryder and I had big plans...to go see dead bodies.

Seriously...dead bodies. This exhibit has been at our science center for awhile now and I've been dying to see it. Ahahahaha, I slay myself. Teeheeheee, ok I'll stop now. GI Joe had no desire to go see it with me but the kids all thought it sounded cool so we decided to go while they were at the game. I thought it was fascinating with a side of weird. The weird coming from the people on display were at one time, real LIVE people, that had donated their bodies to science to be plasticated for this exhibit. But it was fascinating to see the inner workings of our bodies and how they're made. Dakota was thoroughly creeped out by the whole thing but Ryder loved it. In fact, he loved it so much he bought a postcard of a plasticated body to show his class on Tuesday. Should I be concerned? Nah. I was more concerned that the bodies on display were anatomically correct and a large majority of them were male. I don't know how to say this delicately so I'm just going to say it. Certain things don't plasticate well. Luckily, the kids didn't pay any attention to such things but I couldn't help noticing how certain parts looked like 2 little (emphasis on the little) Christmas ornaments hanging there on either side of the ahem..... ummm....candy cane? Picture taking was not allowed or you can be sure that you would be looking at a picture of it right now. But instead, here's a very scientific diagram I drew for you.

We wish you a Merry Christmas....

I cannot figure out for the life of me why they didn't sell "Bodies" commemorative Christmas ornaments in the gift shop, that would've been marketing genius. When we got back in the car after seeing the display I couldn't help but put in some Christmas music and drive immediately to the craft store to buy some shiny new Christmas balls. Sorry, I'll stop now. :) Yes, I'm very mature why do you ask?

Saturday night we watched the move "127 Hours". Have you heard of this movie? It's the true story of a mountain climber who goes climbing by himself (duh) and he falls in a canyon and a boulder lands on his arm. He has very little water and other supplies but somehow manages to survive for, you guessed it, 127 hours stuck in this canyon. At some point during that 127 hours he realizes that his only chance of survival and escape is to cut his arm off. Spoiler alert: HE CUTS HIS OWN ARM OFF USING A DULL POCKET KNIFE. And now I've just saved you from having to watch what seems like an actual 127 hours to watch it for yourself. There were many times throughout the movie where I said to GI Joe, can't they speed this up a little bit and just get to the part where he cuts his arm off and manages to claw his way out? I'm sure that's what the guy stuck in that canyon thought too, "Hey can we just hurry this along? Being stuck down here, having to drink my own PEE (oops, sorry another spoiler alert, you're welcome, I wish I'd been warned because EWWWWW), and eventually having to cut my arm off is just really taking way too long." So yeah, do yourself a favor. go ahead and delete that movie out of your Netflix queue. That's 127 ~~hours~~ minutes of your life you won't be able to get back. And that's what he said. (I'm sorry, only 17 days til The Office is back!)

While getting in the Christmas spirit, watching a guy cut his own arm off, were fun and all, the highlight of my weekend was Sunday night. After church, we had a little get together with friends and family from church. You know the usual, pizza, dips, cupcakes, games, and GUNS. One of our friends Blake, just got home from a deployment in Afghanistan and being young and single, bought himself some new, super cool guns. And he said, I COULD SHOOT THEM!!!

Confession #1: Hi, my name is Prairie Princess and I love guns.

Confession #2: I am a terrible shot and scream every time I fire a gun. But I LOVE the power that comes from holding and handling a gun.

A group of about 15 of us walked down behind the barn where there are a bunch of trees to hang the targets in, made sure there were no horses, llamas, or ~~mules~~ donkeys hanging around, and got down to business. Many took a turn firing after a quick gun safety lesson from Blake or GI Joe. Also, I made sure to tell everyone that shot that they were required to yell, "FIRE IN THE HOLE" before they fired. As if that stopped me from jumping every time the gun went off. We were having a good old time until my father in law got everyone's attention and said, "You guys, this is a true story. One time my cousin got a new 22 and was firing it and everyone was standing around watching and my other cousin Dixie walked out right in front of the gun as he was firing and shot her clean through the head." Tragic, I know. But you have to know my father in law, no one ever knows if he's serious or not so we thought he was kidding so we kinda laughed awkwardly and thought he was crazy for randomly telling that buzzkill of a story right in the middle of our laughter and yelling "Fire in the Hole". As it turned out he was completely serious and it was a true story. So random and tragic obviously but sometimes those are just the things that make me giggle inappropriately and uncontrollably and that's exactly what happened. And then instead of "Fire in the Hole!" I yelled "Remember Dixie!" when the gun was fired. And then those around me started giggling and couldn't stop and at one point I remember someone saying when they were able to catch their breath from laughing so hard, "I don't think we should be laughing about it" but then they couldn't stop laughing either and that just made me laugh harder. Yep, I'm the devil. RIP Dixie and my apologies. And to my father in law, you sure know how to liven up a party. :)

Anyway, once we got over the shock of Dixie, it was my turn to fire.

Hello, lover.

This my friends, is an AR-15. Not that I'm a gun expert or anything, I just asked GI Joe. All I know is that it's a big gun, has a long range, and makes a really loud bang. It's basically the same as the M16's that recruits get in boot camp and are required to name it because they want the recruits to personalize their gun. Not personalize as in put pretty, sparkly stickers on it (although I would totally do that) but personalize as in, bond with it, become one with it, take care of it like they would take care of their own body, learn all about it, personalize. Fun fact, when GI Joe was in boot camp, he named his M16 after me. And when he told me that in a letter, I thought it was the most romantic, sweetest, and cheesiest thing ever. Awww, young love. Anyway, this is one big, bad gun. But don't worry, I'm an expert.

Pink shooting attire...check.

Goofy grin because I'm holding a very big, powerful, gun....check.

Shooting earmuffs so the bang isn't quite so loud....check.

Safety on while we took this picture, just in case.....check.

But now, NOW I was ready for business.

The butt of the gun secure against my shoulder so I don't get a giant bruise when it kicks back...check.

Front knee bent in proper shooter's stance....check.

Matching shoes to my pink sweatshirt...check.

"FIRE IN THE HOLE!".....check.

REALLY LOUD BANG FOLLOWED BY A REALLY LOUD SCREAM (mine, not to worry, there were no Dixie incidents)....check and check.

It was such a rush. All I was aiming at was a tiny 8" x 8" square target hung in the tree and it's not like I even came close to hitting it but, just firing that bad boy...WOO. IT doesn't really matter if I hit the target or not because it's not like I could ever shoot at any THING (ex: deer, rabbit, stranger breaking into my house, ok maybe on that one...) but just firing it is enough for me.

I like big guns and I cannot lie. Them other mothers can't deny. I'm hooked and I can't stop shooting.

You might be a redneck girl if you find firing big guns absolutely exhilarating and revamp rap hits from the early 90's to tell about it.

But then Blake also had this adorable, little gun. Yes, I'm pretty sure I heard he and GI Joe describe it exactly that way when they were talking about it "Hey GI Joe, wanna see this adorable little handgun I got? It's really cute. I think the chicks are really gonna dig it."

"Oh yeah, that is just PRECIOUS. Oh and it' so lightweight too. So pretty."

OK, maybe not exactly like that.

But it really is adorable, and precious, and soo cute. I just wish it came in pink.

Looks can be deceiving because this little girl (the gun, not me) is still one lean, mean shooting machine. Believe it or not, she had a really loud bang too. I felt like one of Charlie's Angels with this one. When we reviewed the target after I fired this gun, there was a bullethole right through the middle of the target. Not to brag, but I'm pretty sure it was my shot that did it, even though GI Joe will tell you that he'd hit it long before I shot. Whatever, don't listen to him, he names his guns after GIRLS, clearly he can't be trusted.

So that was my weekend...power tools, guns, dead bodies, and bad movies, in other words, perfection. How was yours?!?

Babies & Balls

2011-08-30T22:26:00.001-05:00

Catchy title, eh?

It's exciting times around here.

We have baby bunnies...

Which is odd, considering when we bought the 2 adult bunnies that these came from they were purchased separately and each was listed as a "bred doe". Which means, in case you're not up on rabbit reproduction lingo, they were girls already with child, so to speak. That was 4 months ago, the gestation of a rabbit is 28-31 days, so when months went by without any babies we started to get suspicious. Sidenote: ONLY 31 DAYS OF BEING PREGNANT?!? Lightweights. I would've had dozens of kids if 10 months of my life weren't spent being pregnant for each one. And now the term, "breeding like rabbits" has become crystal clear. In addition to the absence of babies long past the due dates, we noticed some rather inappropriate behavior for 2 mothers-to-be, if you know what I'm saying. We then realized we did NOT have 2 does, but wouldn't you know it, we had a doe and a buck, or a boy and a girl. Keep in mind that this is the same auction that alleged sold me donkeys as mules so I don't know why we would assume they were telling the truth but I guess since we were dealing in rabbits we figured they could be trusted. Assumption, wrong. So to make an already long story short, the 2 of them (a boy and a girl) did ahem...what rabbits do, and we ended up with these adorable babies. And I have no idea if they're boys or girls, I'll just take them to the auction and have them tell me...or not. All that has been confirmed for certain is that they are stinking adorable and sweet.

You know what else is adorable and sweet? This...

And because I'm the proud aunt and I can post more pictures if I want to....This

This is my new niece, Lyla Jean. I'm sorry but if you look at those pictures and don't have a little pang of "oh what a sweet baby" you may be dead inside. GI Joe's brother (my brother in law) and his wife L (my sister in law) are Lyla's parents. I don't really know why I felt the need to spell out that they are my brother and sister in law in addition to GI Joe's brother B, maybe because if I said "my brother in law and sister in law" it sounds odd and could be mistaken for some very weird family dynamics. Hmm, and now we know why it takes me an hour to do one blog post. Welcome to my world. ANYWAY, GI Joe and his brother are night and day in a lot of ways but one thing they have in common is making cute babies. Lyla has an older brother Hunter who is 3 months older than Blade, an older sister Chloe who is 2 DAYS younger than Ryder. Here they are.....

The Hulk hands are a nice touch don't you agree?

So what I'm trying to say is that last time B & L blessed me with a niece and nephew I was too busy blessing them with nephews of their own to be able to really enjoy Hunter and Chloe as babies. I mean, I enjoy them now for sure, Chloe cracks me up with her love of shopping and high heels and her diva like demeanor (it's not like I can relate or anything) and Hunter with his random trivia facts and vivid imagination but when they were babies I didn't really get to sit and hold them for hours because you know, my own baby needed held and fed. Does that make sense? All that to say that THIS time they had a baby, GI Joe and I did not, which means I'm completely and thoroughly addicted to Lyla.

I seriously cannot get enough. Today is the first full day of her life that I have not seen her and it's taking everything in me to not hop in my car and drive the 15 minutes to their house to hold her for 10 minutes. And before you tell me it's time to have another one, it's really not. I have no baby fever or ovary ache-age whatsoever. In fact, if it's not a baby that's related to me or the baby of a very very close friend, I don't even really like to hold them. I know, I'm not a real woman. It just kind of freaks me out, maybe it's because I am scared I'll break it and since it's not in the family their parents will be really mad. Because if they were in the family I"m sure they'd be totally fine with me accidentally breaking their baby. Sure, I know I'm neurotic especially since so many women are baby maniacs no matter whose baby it is, but that's just not me. But I do really love having a new baby in the family to hold without fear of breaking and to love on. And buy shoes for, obviously...

It's been EIGHT years since we've had a baby on this side of the family, the side of the family I see on at least a weekly basis. Unlike my side, who have babies but then refuse to move closer so I have to go weeks and sometimes months without seeing them. Clearly, as an aunt, I've been baby deprived.

Speaking of aunthood, it rocks.

In celebration of being an aunt, I made a little somethin' somethin'. A friend at work and I were talking on Monday morning about cupcakes and such and she told me that her sister had made some Cake Batter Balls over the weekend that were delicious. Let me say that again...Cake. BATTER. Balls. She didn't have the recipe but said she would get it for me. I of course, went immediately back to my desk and googled "Cake Batter Balls" and have been thinking about them ever since. Today I just couldn't wait any longer, I had to test these out.

When I googled Cake Batter Balls, I landed upon this blog for the recipe. I'd never read it before or heard of this lady. All I knew was that she was a very smart lady and the recipe was easy so I took a chance.

It paid off. They were really easy, with the exception of the dipping them in the almond bark, I am the worst at that. But it worked out, I just covered my mistakes in sprinkles and all was right in the world again. Not only were they easy but they tasted amazing. I'm pretty sure these will be served in heaven, sprinkled with little flakes of gold and silver.

Here's the link to recipe again http://www.the-girl-who-ate-everything.com/2011/03/cake-batter-truffles.html.

She's much classier than I and calls them Cake Batter Truffles but that's not quite as catchy and demure as Cake Batter BALLS. Call them what you what but just make them ASAP. They're so cute you'll want to just schalack (I have no idea if I spelled that right and I"m betting spellcheck doesn't know what I'm trying to say so go with me on this one) them and use them as a centerpiece. But don't, go ahead and eat them. And then give thanks that we live in a country where there are such things as Cake BATTER Balls. As if just plain old cake balls and freedom of speech weren't enough, we have Cake BATTER Balls.

And bunny ears.....

And perfect, precious babies named Lyla.

God bless the U.S.A...and babies and balls everywhere.

Perfection

2011-08-25T20:25:00.000-05:00

This is a friendly, Friday reminder that we just can't be good at everything all the time. So go easy on yourself.

Because sometimes even, I, Prairie Princess, award winning chef, messes up while cooking a meal that I got up early to prepare the delicous smelling marinade for and had been looking forward to enjoying all day.

Blackened chicken anyone?

Sometimes in my quest to be the perfect mom/wife/housekeeper/chef I am trying to do 50,000 things at once. I'm sure many of you can relate. And in my hurried state, I may or may not have accidentally cranked the grill up as high as it would go thinking I was actually turning it down low buying me more time to you know, multi-task. I thought it was odd when I looked at the temperature gauge on the grill and it was like it hadn't moved from zero. Turned out it had LAPPED zero and had gone around the dial once and was making it around the second time, making this chicken definitely salmonella free at approximately 1000 DEGREES.

Salmonella? No.
E Coli? No.
Edible? Also NO.

You guys, I wanted to sit down and cry. Seriously. But sometimes instead of crying over ~~spilled milk~~ burnt chicken you've got to suck it up and blog about it instead.

I should not be left unattended with the grill. This is what happens when GI Joe works late and by works late I mean LOCKS HIS KEYS IN HIS WORK CAR AND HAS TO WAIT FOR A LOCKSMITH. So I'm not the only one who's had a rough night. Oh and did I mention he's on mood altering steroids for his 6th case of poison ivy this summer? Because he is. And there's a reason the label on the pill bottle says "mood altering" instead of "mood enhancing". Bless his heart and mine for having to love him in spite of the 'roids.

Clearly, tonight should have been a takeout night. Except when you live in the boondocks there is no such thing.

The blackened chicken wasn't a complete loss, I threw it in the barnyard, mainly for Hormel, but noticed that the chickens seemed to rather enjoy it as well. So not only do we have an escape artist hog, a Prairie Princess who cannot successfully grill poultry, but we have cannibalistic chickens...awesome.

As for the grilling, I'm turning the tongs over to GI Joe from now on. I'm charred for life. :)

TGIF.

Hog Wild

2011-08-24T23:08:00.001-05:00

I can't believe it's been 2 weeks since my last post. Time flies when you're having fun or when you're back to being chauffeur mom running 3 kids, 30 different places at the same time. Ahhh gotta love back to school. But enough about that, I'm up past my bedtime so I'm gonna get right to it. We'll talk about back to school and such another time. But tonight I need to tell you a little story about Hormel the Hog and an event that would only happen at the Koons Zoo.

Remember how back in the spring we decided we were gonna be all real farmerish and bought a piglet to raise and then *gasp* butcher when it got old/big enough? I'm sure there are still pools out there betting against me actually being able to follow thru with it. The jury is still out but I've done really well at not getting attached and doing things like petting her and taking lots of pictures of her. BUT she's not really helping my case when she comes running to the fence, ears flapping in the wind every time we walk outside. Or when we yell her name. Uggh. She's not supposed to be cute or do cute things! We've still got a few more months before D B Day so we'll see. I think if it were to just magically happen without me knowing I'd be fine, it's when I think too much about it that I start deliberating and trying to convince GI Joe that we should just keep her and breed her for piglets and THEN butcher the piglets instead. She can just be our "sow".
Anyway, Hormel isn't always being cute. Sometimes she's being mischevious and doing things like escaping from the barnyard and walking around our front yard, or munching on our watermelon plants in the backyard, or walking along the road in front of our house. You know, the stuff hogs do.

One morning a few weeks ago, GI Joe called me at work. This is the conversation we had.
GIJ breathlessly: You wouldn't believe the morning I've had!!
PP: Oh yeah, me too, they're out of Reese's in the vending machine. Now what am I s'psed to have for breakfast?!?
GIJ: Hormel got out.
PP: Can you bring me a Starbucks? I'm so sleepy.
GIJ: HORMEL GOT OUT!!!!!
pp: Oh what's that? Hormel got out? Did you get her back in?
GIJ: (deep sigh) You wouldn't believe what I had to go thru with her this morning.
PP: Isn't she so cute? I don't know if we should butcher her. We should just keep her and she can have babies and then we'll sell the babies! That would make us REAL pig farmers wouldn't it?!?
GIJ: She was running around the yard about to go in the road! I had to chase her all over.
PP: So is that a yes? We can keep her?!? I'm gonna buy overalls like a real pig farmer!
GIJ: I just spent 30 minutes chasing a pig around our front yard, NO I do not want to keep her.
PP: 30 minutes? Why so long?
GIJ: Well, every time I got close to her she got spooked and took off running the opposite way of the barnyard. So finally, I grabbed the closest thing to a stick I could find to direct her.
PP: Oh like one of those things the 4H kids that show pigs use?
GIJ: Yes, like that except we don't have one of those because we don't show pigs so I grabbed a fishing pole instead.
PP: Whatever works.
GIJ: Yeah, it worked but there's just one small problem.
PP: You broke the fishing pole? Was it my pink one, cuz I"m gonna be SO mad if it was!
GIJ: No, it was Blade's and no, it didn't break.
PP: Phew, that's good because I really like the metallic pink color that my fishing pole is and I haven't seen very many others like that. Although I do kinda want a different one because I'm not crazy about that reel...
GIJ: I HOOKED HORMEL!
PP: Uh what?
GIJ: I was using the pole to tap her on the neck to get her to go the direction I wanted her too and she tried to run under it and got the hook right in her neck.
PP: Did you reel in?!?
GIJ: No, I didn't reel her in. I just cut the line. She wouldn't let me get close enough to take it out.
PP: So she's running around with a hook, fishing line, and sinker hanging out of her neck?!?
GIJ: Yes, but she's back in the barnyard! She'll be fine.

And by the next day, she was "off the hook" and we didn't even have to intervene. Although we did catch her down at the pond with a tacklebox and a stringer of fish.

Fishing poles, they're not just for fishing.

I'm quite certain that if we had video footage of the events that transpired that morning with GI Joe running around the yard in his uniform, fishing pole in hand, hooking Hormel, we'd be on David Letterman right now. Can you even imagine?!?

A younger, much less experienced, pig wrangler. Obviously, he hadn't thought of the fishing pole trick.

Hormel now runs squealing through the barnyard in terror whenever we are getting ready to go fishing. On the bright side, the next time GI Joe says, he caught one THIS big, I have no choice but to believe him. The proof is in the ~~pudding~~ pork.

Got worms?

Blink of An Eye

2011-08-11T23:28:00.000-05:00

Ryder turned eig...well, he celebrated his 5th birthday for the 4th time today. I really can't talk about it yet because a) how can my BABY be that old already and b) I'm exhausted from Day 1 of Ryder's 4 Day Birthday Weekend. Where do these kids come up with this birthday weekend stuff? And how did he finagle it that his fell on a Thursday, the same Thursday that we had to spend an hour at the school for open house and junior high orientation stuff, so he demanded that he get an extra day. Not really demanded just announced that since his DAY was being interrupted by a school function he would require his birthday weekend to start Thursday and not end until Sunday. So high maintenance, that one. No idea where he gets that from.

I have my standard sappy birthday post almost ready but in the meantime, take a trip down memory lane with me. It'll be fun...and depressing.

Even at 5 days old he had an ornery streak because moments after this was taken he pooped all over GI Joe's arm. Ahhh memories. Also, this picture? Precious.

Heaven, help us. Check him out. I die. One month old. You always hear that the youngest kid in the family has the least amount of pictures. With the first, the parents are all gung ho and religiously have pictures taken every 3 months, then the 2nd comes along and it might be every 6 months, and then the 3rd comes along and you're lucky to have one a year. Well, I was NOT that kind of parent. In fact, I think Ryder has more pictures than anyone mainly because I was rebelling against the system and would not be the mom with no pictures of her youngest. So yeah, 5 days, one month, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, 1 year, 18 months, I did them all. Then he started developing ~~an attitude~~, a personality and wasn't as cooperative so they became slightly more sporadic. But it wasn't due to lack of trying.

Taken at adorable months old. I'm too lazy to get up and look at the back to find out when it was. I realize I'm slightly biased, but c'mon have you ever seen such a cute baby? And this is how I remember most of his babyhood, such an easy, happy boy.

Fast forward eigh.....72 months later...

We couldn't be prouder! :)

Child Labor Laws

2011-08-08T21:22:00.000-05:00

We don't believe in 'em. Both GI Joe and I work really hard so we expect no different from our kids. Especially since they're "farm kids", there's no easy street for them. No siree.
Since they've been school age they've had chores, both inside and outside. We've been criticized for making our kids *gasp* work but ummm, well, ummm....we don't really care. There's a reason that back in the pioneer days there weren't as many juvenile delinquents, it's because they were TOO BUSY WORKING ON THE FARM. Anyway, the older they get the more labor intensive the chores get. Of course, it's not like GI Joe and I sit on the deck and eat bon bons while watching our kids slave away. We're working right along side them. Such is life in the country. There's lots to do and there are 5 able bodied people to do it, no child left behind so they say. Although pretty sure that's not what they meant when that phrase was all over the campaign trail.

Last weekend when it was 100 degrees, we decided it was time to pull the wood siding off one of the shelter buildings for the animals so we could replace it before winter. Since our boys are stereotypical boys who like to destroy and destruct things we put them to work tearing it off the building and getting it into smaller, manageable pieces so that we could burn it in a small, contained, fire in the ditch. So destroying stuff+breaking stuff+fire=OH YES PLEASE.

First, they got in their uniforms...

You know, swim trunks and cowboy boots for one, swim trunks and tennis shoes for the other. Classic working man's uniform.

There was extensive drug testing. One failed....

Say no to crack.

Then they got to work. It was all puppy dog tails and snails for the first board or so, but then when the heat set in and they realized just how much work they had ahead of them the mood quickly turned sour.

If looks could kill, he'd be using his inheritance to hire someone to do this "stupid work" for him.

But you know what? They did it. And when they climbed up in the tree to watch the fire in the burn pile that they had made, they were pretty darn proud of themselves.

Then a few days later, they volunteered to help me stain the swingset. I figured no harm could come of that, I didn't care if the swingset looked perfect or not it just needed to have a new coat of stain on it to keep it weatherproofed. And my arm was getting tired from already having stained one section of it. So I handed them the brushes and the can of stain and went on my merry way.

I kept hearing giggling and squeals and my heart delighted in them working together and having fun while doing something productive.

I should've known.

A good while later, I came back to this...

And this...

They looked like self tanner jobs gone wrong. It took days before the big brown spot of stain on Ryder's nose wore off. Classy.

They had fun and the swingset is stained so mission accomplish. Never mind that the slide also has a protective coat of stain on it. You can just never be too careful with Iowa winters, you know.

Ryder told me the other day, "Maybe I do want to live in the city so I wouldn't have to work SO HARD all the time."

I told him it really didn't matter where he lived as long as we were his parents he'd have to work hard so deal with it, oh and sorry about your luck, oh and one more thing...SUCK IT UP CUPCAKE. Also, editor's sidenote: AS IF.

Then in a fit of exasperation and frustration at the unfairness of his tortured life as a farm kid he exclaimed, "I just want ONE summer where we don't have to do any chores!"

And then I laughed hysterically because THAT? That is NEVER gonna happen.

Country kids these days. They have it so rough don't they?!? I'm sure Laura Ingalls Wilder hated it too when her Wii time got cut short because she had to go do chores like staining her swingset.

Fridays on the Farm

2011-08-04T18:32:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when "city folks" visit the Koons Zoo, they ask, "So what do you do for fun WAY OUT HERE?!?"

I assure you that there has never been a time where we've sat around looking at each other in boredom saying, "What are we gonna do? I'm so bored. There's nothing to do." Because there's ALWAYS something to do.

Sometimes we do hard farm girl/boy stuff....
Not pictured because we're too busy working to take pictures, obviously. Actually, that's not entirely true. The truth is that after working like a farm girl, I am not photogenic in the least. And if you think I'm going to be posing for a picture while I'm all hot and sweaty with my ponytail plastered to my head, mascara streaked down my face, lipgloss worn off, while wearing my swimsuit, cutoffs, chore boots, & pink workgloves, you are sadly mistaken.

Sometimes we go fishing.....

Sometimes we take our livestock for a leisurely stroll through the countryside....

Sometimes we shoot stuff...

Sometimes we chop stuff...

Sometimes we start a fire (outside and ok inside too), kick back and eat s'mores...

Sometimes we go on 4 wheeler rides......

Sometimes we pet our peacock....

Sometimes we play catch the escapee bunny...

Sometimes we take our cow out for a spin....

And sometimes we pretend we're "urban" hairstylists and play with our duck's 'fro (doesn't everyone?) and then call him the The ~~Rapper~~ Quacker known as ~~TuPac~~TuQuack....

So I guess the answer to that question, "What do you do for fun way out here?" is simple, "Oh you know, NOTHING....."

Have a great Friday whether you're on the farm or in the city!

Reading Rainbow

2011-08-03T18:51:00.000-05:00

"Take a look, it's in a book, a reading rainbow..."

Remember that song? From that weird show? Here's a little something to refresh your memory and to get that sung stuck in your head for the rest of the day, you're welcome.

It's been a little while since I posted my last "book club". I've gotten quite a bit of feedback from you readers saying you actually read some of my recommendations from that post and wanted MORE! Now, I REALLY do feel like Oprah! But I get it, as many of the books I read are because I've seen them mentioned on someone else's blog or heard some buzz about it on Facebook or a friend told me to read it or Oprah told me to read it. Not really on that last one. In my experience if Oprah liked it, I thought it was horrible. While I'm sure she smells lovely, I'm not a fan of her taste in books. There you have it, my very philosophical method of selecting books to read. It's simple, I just want to read a good book. Life's too short for bad books. So consider this my gift to you.

Good Books I've Read

"Unbroken" by Laura Hillenbrand-This book is a MUST read. This is not my typical read but it was all the talk a few months back and I'm a follower like that so I read it. And then had GI Joe read aka listen to it on audio book. And then passed it off to my Smom & Dad to read and then told everyone I knew to read it too. So, so good. I'll be honest there are parts of the book that are painfully hard to read but it's crucial to the story and since it's a true story it's not like they just put it in there for shock value. It actually happened. If you're like me, this book will make you really angry at the Japanese for the things that happened during WWII. But then as I kept reading and continued on with the story, I realized that if the people who endured it and suffered the most from it can forgive and make peace with it, so can I. I just had to get over it and remember that if it weren't for the Japanese we wouldn't have sushi and I love me some sushi. I'm not saying, that sushi rights all the wrongs of the way they handled themselves in WWII but it certainly doesn't hurt. Just read this book, you won't be sorry. Here's a picture of the hero from the book Louis Zamperini, because as soon as you're done reading it you'll want to know what he's up to now and what he looks like, I'm saving you the trouble.

This is one cool dude and one INTENSE book.

"Safe Haven" by Nicholas Sparks. I love a good, mushy Nicholas Sparks book. They're always an easy, feel good read. But I have to read them in small doses otherwise they get to be annoyingly predictable. Here's the standard Nicholas Sparks equation....set in a coastal town in the southeast, usually North or South Carolina, boy meets girl, tragedy strikes or has struck, love prevails, they live happily ever after, the end. But this one had some twists that made it a little different while still maintaining that Nicholas Spark's charm. This was a quick, easy, fun read. And it just might be one of my favorite Nicholas Sparks books ever. Way to mix it up a bit, Nick!

"Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back" by Todd Burpo-This book rocked my world. Seriously. No matter your religious beliefs you need to read this book. It's simply amazing. The minute I finished this book I went on Facebook and proclaimed to the world, or at least the world of my friends' list that they must read this. Good stuff, really good stuff. I'm kinda jealous of that little boy to tell you the truth. What an experience.

"Gone for Good" by Harlan Coben-Now on to a complete opposite of "Heaven is for Real". A friend of mine got me hooked on this author recently. He writes gritty, complex, mind boggling, thrillers that you seriously cannot put down. I've read 4 of his books now and this one is by far my favorite. It's so well written that you just never know where it's going to end up and when it gets there it all makes sense. It is not an easy read, it may make your head hurt a little because it's a lot to take in, just stick with it, you'll be glad you did. Another one I really liked of his was "Tell No One", another one of his that I really did NOT like "The Woods". Check ol' Harlan out if you're in the market for some well written, crazy, suspenseful, neglect-all-responsibilities-and-duties-in-life-until-you-finish, books. My family was glad when I finished this book because then they had clean underwear again.

"Catching Fire" and "Mockingjay" by Suzanne Collins-These were the 2nd and 3rd books in the Hunger Games series. Now I know why the first one was so cheap on my Kindle, because it SUCKED YOU IN AND YOU COULDN'T HELP BUT DOWNLOAD THE MORE EXPENSIVE SEQUELS. Well played Amazon, well played. Since this series is touted as "Young Adult Fiction" after I finished it, I had Dakota read it. She was reluctant at first because she's into books with dragons and wizards and witches and fantasy creatures whereas I'm not. She figured if I liked them she definitely would not (pre-teen anyone?!?), but she did, she really did. That's the beauty of well written young adult fiction, it appeals to all ages. P.S. It does have some fantasy creatures in it and I STILL liked it, yay me for expanding my horizons! You know that saying, don't judge a book by it's cover? It's true. Because at first glance and reading the back, I had absolutely no desire to read these, they sounded too weird, too out there for me. But then a blogger who has similar tastes in literature to mine was raving about them so I gave into peer pressure and read them too. And wouldn't you know it I'm a fan. Sometimes it's good to step out of your box. Let that be a life lesson for you. Wow, look at that not only am I giving out reading recommendations but life advice as well. There's a new Oprah in town! :) The main character of this series is a girl named Katniss and I think part of what drew me in is that she reminded me so much of Dakota. I loved this series and I especially loved having "book discussions" with Dakota as she read them. A movie of this series is coming out next spring so jump on the bandwagon now.

"Bossypants" by Tina Fey-I'm not a huge Tina Fey fan but kept hearing that this book was "laugh out loud funny" so I thought I'd give it a shot. I like to laugh out loud so why not?!? Much to my surprise it really did have some laugh out loud funny parts. She has a hilarious, self deprecating sense of humor that makes her so likeable and relatable. You felt like you were just hanging out with her, chatting like old friends, because she writes just like she talks, potty mouth and all. That was the only thing I didn't like about this book, my internal sensor had to work overtime, well, that and the creepy cover.

And finally, I'm 10 years late to the party (as usual)....

*"Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" & "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" by J.K. Rowling-I know, I know, where have I been all these years? Can we still be friends since I am admitting to not having read the HP series or seeing the movies when the rest of the world did? Sometimes when the whole world is going crazy over something (ie: Justin Bieber) I rebel and decide I have no interest in it. That's what happened with the whole Harry Potter thing. That, and I thought it was some medieval wizardry tale that had no appeal to me whatsoever. The rest of my family are diehard Harry Potter lovers. GI Joe read the kids the books out loud before bedtime and Dakota has read and reread all of the books on her own, not to mention they have seen every one of the movies multiple times. It was their "thing" (kinda like Star Wars because Star Wars? Blech! Except I did have the best nap ever one time in a movie theater when GI Joe forced me to go with him to see one of the SW movies) and I was fine letting them have that but then recently with the last one just being released and my whole family telling me how good it was, I decided millions and millions of people just couldn't be wrong. So I sucked it up and committed to reading each book, watching the movie, and then reading the next book. So far I've read the first and second book in the series and I just started on my HP Quest a week ago, so that should tell you something. My reactions so far are as follows: 1) They are completely different than I thought they would be, it's actually set in modern times! That came as a complete shock to me and made me happy actually because I am not into medieval, fantastical fiction, which is what I honestly thought Harry Potter was all about. 2) They are masterfully written. You feel like you know each character individually. With as many characters and personalities as there are in the books it would be easy to get confused but Rowlings writes it in such a way that you really don't. Impressive. 3) It's about so much more than magic and wizards, it's about good vs. evil, courage vs. coward and doing what is right. Those themes are so apparent. We knew a guy once who tried to convince us that Harry Potter was straight from satan and that we should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES allow our children to watch or read such devil worship. And now I know why GI Joe was quick to tell the guy that he was wrong and that we will let our kids read/watch that because he disagreed wholeheartedly. May I just interject here for a moment? Of course I can, it's my blog. What is it with people telling other people how to raise their kids? Not cool people, not cool. I can't think of one time where I've ever seen that end well, where the parent being told how to parent says, "You know you're right I DON'T know what's best for my kids even though I have raised them and know them better than anyone else on the planet, I think I'll do it your way. So glad you mentioned that." Yeah right. Note to everyone: Don't tell us how to raise our kids. Moving on.... 4) I am actually ENJOYING reading these books and watching the movies. I don't think Dakota, however, is enjoying me reading the books, especially when I keep asking her questions and she responds with "Why don't you quit asking questions and keep reading so you'll find out the answer?" Fine, be that way. And I'm a real joy to watch the movies with since I'm watching them within a day or two of finishing the book it's very fresh in my mind meaning any minor discrepancies between book and movie, I am quick to educate my family on. The movies, so far, have also been great. I think I get "it" now. And from what I hear, the books and movies only get better and more exciting from here. I realize I'm behind the times but I'm kinda glad I'm doing it this way because I don't have to wait years between each book or movie. I already know how it ends so I'm just reading for the pure enjoyment of the books and to see how it came to that ending. As it turns out the whole world was right about this whole Harry Potter thing (except that guy who told us it was of the devil). I still think they've got it all wrong with Bieber Fever though. He really is of the devil. :)

If you want to see what else I've been reading, join me on my new favorite site http://www.goodreads.com/. Really though, if you're a reader, this site is the best. You can put books on your "shelves" that you want to read, that you have read, and are currently reading. That's what I use it mostly for, to keep track of the books I want to read. Because there's nothing worse than starting a book and feeling that sense of deja vu, only to get halfway through and realize it's because you've already read it! Not that I've ever done that but so I've heard. ;) When you finish reading a book you rate it and if you're so inclined, comment about it. Then goodreads compiles the ratings of every book, so when you're putting a book on your "to be read" shelf you can see what the general population thinks of it. You can friend people and follow people too, although I haven't quite gotten into that yet. When you friend someone you can see what they're reading or have on their "shelves". I've always thought that finding out what someone is reading or what's on their bookshelves is kinda like peeking in their medicine cabinet. So come take a peek.
Not that I've given you any bad book suggestions but if you're reading a book and it's bad, boring, etc, at what point do you stop reading? Or are you "gotta finish what I started" no mattter how bad it is kinda person? For me, if a book hasn't grabbed me at least a third of the way through I'm done with it. My free time is limited as it is and I certainly don't want to spend what little I have reading a bad book when there are so many other good books out there that I want to read. The only exception to this rule is if I am warned ahead of time that it starts out slow but picks up and gets much better. Then I'll stick with it BUT if it still doesn't pick up and gotten my attention by halfway through, goodbye forever bad book.

So tell me, what are you reading? Have you read any of these mentioned? Are you on goodreads.com? Talk nerdy to me.

Redneck Resourcefulness

2011-08-01T06:00:00.001-05:00

One of the best things about summer is S'mores. But sometimes when you're tired after working all day, humidity is 150% outside, and the bugs are buzzing like crazy, you just don't feel like going outside and starting a campfire in the perfectly good firepit.

But it's summer and the craving for S'mores is strong so what do you do?

I'll tell you what you do, or at least what my hillbilly husband did.

You go to your tool shelf and you find your BLOWTORCH.

And then you fire it up...IN THE KITCHEN. You know, the place full of very flammable WOOD.

Without wearing safety goggles because "it's perfectly safe" and "i know what i'm doing."

And you know what? THe marshmallows turn out perfectly roasted, not too done, not underdone, just right. Why? Because a butane blowtorch is so much more precise than a boring old campfire.

And then the 9 year old boy, another redneck in the making, roasts marshmallows on a stick while his Daddy holds the BLOWTORCH. Completely normal, no? NO, not at ALL.

"Mommy, this is the BEST CAMPFIRE EVER! I'm not getting any bug bites, my marshmallow isn't catching on fire, and I'm not getting cold and have to go inside for a sweatshirt. I think the S'mores taste better when we make them like THIS!"

No wonder their Daddy is their hero.

I hope when the kids are grown and have kids of their own they'll remember the times like this. The times where it became undeniably clear that their Daddy is a redneck through and through, but a resourceful redneck. And their mommy laughing nervously because she was sure he was going to burn down the house but taking pictures the whole time because if that isn't making memories I don't know what is. And I hope they'll be inspired to do fun things like that with their kids. And most of all, I hope they wear SAFETY GOGGLES and in the name of all that is holy and gooey, that they STEP AWAY FROM THE WOOD CABINETRY.

The Finale: NKOTB Concert Recap

2011-07-28T19:27:00.002-05:00

If you need to reread Part 1 and Part 2 click here and here. I'll wait.

OK, so we left off when we had died and gone to NKOTB heaven.

Saint Jordan met us at the pearly gates.

Saint Joey was there too.

I took 685 pictures from when we left Des Moines to post concert. Of the 685, probably about 635 of them were taken at the concert. Whaaaaaat?!? That's not THAT many! However, upon reviewing the pictures when we returned to our hotel room that night we discovered that approximately only 65 of them were NOT blurry. Listen, it's hard to capture the moment when you're trying to dance, scream, and keep from hyperventilating for 2 + hours. Not to mention the shaky hand syndrome because the adrenaline, it was a-flowing. The best pictures I took were of BSB (Backstreet Boys, I'm only gonna say it once), I think that explains a lot.

This is to prove that there are A LOT of other ladies out there just.like.us. Well, clearly, not as awesome but still like us in our longstanding devotion and affection for NKOTB.

They PACKED the United Center in Chicago. The Oprah Farewell Shows didn't even do that. Or maybe they did, I quit watching once they started planting trees "in the name of Oprah" all over the country, because BO-RING. But I doubt it.

This was a single man's mecca.

And then just when our hearts were getting used to their new faster pace, the New Kids split up and WENT INTO THE CROWD! OUR SECTION! But as luck would have it we got Danny.

He's great and all but let's be honest, he's no Donnie or Jordan. Not to mention I've always kinda thought he looked like a monkey. Although he does have very nice arms. See it?!? That's DANNY WOOD'S MUSCLY ARM! The Lord works in mysterious ways and I have no doubt it was he who sent Danny rather than Donnie or Jordan to our section. You know, so I wouldn't end up at the TOP OF THE BAPTIST PRAYER CHAIN.

This is a strangely in-focus picture...of Backstreet Boys. And you thought I was kidding. I took this picture because of their gold and black ensembles. Because...GO HAWKS! Who knew BSB were Hawkeye fans? We liked them more and more.

This is Jordan Knight trying to find me, obviously.

The concert was spectacular, just spectacular. We were trying to explain to people just what it's like but the thing is, we can't. It really is one of those things that you just have to be there to fully appreciate and understand the awesomeness. Next time we go, our friend Dougie D says he wants to go solely to videotape and photo document US watching the concert. I assure you that's a show in and of itself and would likely be the next Youtube sensation.
At the end of the concert, both bands took the stage.

That right there is a lot of boy band awesomeness in one place. My ears are still ringing from the decibel of the screams from ~~Annette, Robbin and I~~ the crowd, because this is when NKOTB and BSB fans united and raised their voices together in harmony to show their love for their boy band of choice. It was a beautiful moment.

And then the moment that we had all been dreading the entire concert...the end.

See that? It's little pieces of our heart breaking.

The concert ended and the whole stadium cried. Then the 3 of us, made a beeline for outside to scope out the bus situation. We may be happily married and in our 30's and 40's but are you ever too old for bus stalking? I think not. We weren't the only ones with that idea. Unfortunately, the buses were in a fenced in pit area beneath the venue so you couldn't get close to them without oh, I don't know, jumping 30 feet to your death. And given our already fragile states we decided not to risk it. A sign of true maturity. We did notice however the vast amount of ladies outside smoking. Remember, how I told you way back when how even I who hates the smell of smoke and does not smoke, needed a cigarette after seeing NKOTB perform? Apparently, I'm not the only one. Except that these ladies actually did light one up so the bus viewing area was about as smoky as a bowling alley on Friday night in 1983. Gross but I completely understand.

After giving up our dreams of meeting the guys and riding off into the sunset on their tour buses, we headed towards the main street in front of the venue to hail a cab. Except that there were no cabs. And as much as I tried to hail police cars (accidentally) they didn't stop! 20,000 women at a concert and not a cab to be found. If you're familiar with the Chicago area you know that the United Center is not in the best of areas. But not to worry I was armed with pepper spray and I wasn't afraid to use it. I was the protector of the group because Robbin and Annette had left theirs at the hotel. It was a responsibility I took very seriously. We walked around, nearly got in a fight with a girl because we were on "her corner". The corner she'd been waiting on for 30 minutes trying to catch a cab. We let it go because really if she'd been there 30 minutes and was still standing there, it was obviously working out really well for her. We walked and walked and walked, in our cute concert shoes mind you, and got hassled by a couple of guys but then I think they saw y mean face and pepper spray in hand and were wise enough to back off. I mean wouldn't you?

Finally, in a move fueled by desperation, an hour and a half of walking around the 'hood, and really sore feet, we hopped on a city bus. We really had no idea where it was going but figured it would at least get us closer to our hotel. Have you ever taken Chicago public transportation at 12:30 a.m. on a Friday night? You totally should! It actually wasn't that scary because the majority of the bus patrons were women from the concert who had also been walking around aimlessly looking for a cab since the concert ended. We took the bus to Michigan Ave where we walked along until we saw a ~~police car~~ cab to catch. We only had to deal with one drunk idiot on that walk and he was harmless and tiny. We could've taken him even without the use of pepper spray. We finally caught a cab and when we asked him where was still open so we could get some food, he responded with "my house." We politely declined and had him take us back to our hotel instead. Originally, when we planned our Chicago trip we were going to have dinner after the concert at the John Hancock building in the restaurant with the view of the city. But instead we had this...

Chicago's finest at the Rock N Roll McDonald's right across from our hotel, because we're sophisticated like that. And let me tell you something, after not eating for 10 hours, attending a NKOTBSB concert, walking around the hood for nearly 2 hours in not made for walkin' shoes, and a city bus ride, nothing has ever tasted so good.

There was an after party featuring Jordan and Donnie right down the street from our hotel but we just weren't up for it after our ordeal post-concert. A true sign of our age. Besides, we could only handle so much awesomeness in on night. I mean, NKOTB concert, Rock N Roll McDonald's AND an after party?!? No way. Instead we went back to our hotel, took off our cute shoes, bandaged our blisters, recapped the night and reviewed 685 blurry pictures. And then Annette told me I was a good bedmate because I didn't hog the bed or covers, get too close, or try to spoon, and my life was complete. But don't let that get out. I have a reputation to uphold.

It was an amazing night, even if we did wake up the next morning feeling like we'd been repeatedly hit by a Mac (unfortunately not a Joey Mac) truck and were walking with crutches while wearing slippers. It took approximately 3 days to fully recover from our weekend. And if recovery time is any indication, I think that means we had a pretty darn good time.

P.S. Upon review of this post I realize that I may have overused the word or forms of the word awesome. I make no apologies. When it comes to NKOTB there are really only so many words to describe, well, their AWESOMENESS. So there. Deal with it. :)

NKOTB Concert Recap: Still Loving Them Forever Part 2

2011-07-26T22:19:00.000-05:00

So where did we leave off? Oh that's right I was running off on a tour bus with Jordan Knight...in my dreams. No seriously, IN MY DREAMS. :)

In reality, our cab driver finally got us to the United Center, a place I had longed to go all my youth. And then I fulfilled another lifelong dream and got my picture with ~~a statue of~~ Scottie Pippen. Seeing Scottie Pippen and NKOTB in the same place in the same night? That's the stuff 1990-1994 dreams were made of.

We found our seats, which thanks to Annette's decision to upgrade at the last minute, were FABULOUS. My seat was right next to a guy whose girlfriend had obviously dragged him there against his will. I refrained from asking him which New Kid was his favorite because somehow I didn't think he would find the humor in it and also, I needed to be in his good graces for when my "Hangin' Tough" dance moves incringed on his space later in the evening. We made small talk with the girls in the row in front of us who were a mix of Backstreet Boys and New Kids fans. All was going well until, one young 20something girl (a diehard BSB fan but more recently an NKOTB convert) asked us, "Every time you see New Kids in concert don't you feel like you just might have a chance with one of them?" To which Robbin wisely replied, "Not really we're all 3 happily married." And the 20something girl? She looked at us as if she'd just noticed the 3rd eyeball on each of our foreheads, as if to say, "why would you even come to a New Kids concert if you're *gasp* MARRIED?!?" We got a kick out of that. As if since we're married we're basically dead inside and oblivious to the beauty of God's creations in the form of New Kids. :)

3 clearly NOT dead married ladiesWe went to get a little Diet Coke to calm our nerves and moisten our throats in preparation of 2 hours of screaming before the concert started and when we returned this girl was performing. I don't know her name. All I know is I ALMOST wore this same outfit.

Thank goodness I changed right before we left, THAT would've been AWK-ward.

Then the real opening act came on and it was Jordin Sparks. We had no idea she was the opening act and frankly, we really didn't care we were there for 5 reasons, and 5 reasons only Danny, Donnie, Jordan, Joey, and Jonathan. And really, we felt bad for her since she was kinda at a disadvantage. I mean 20,000 women most certainly were not there to see a beautiful, amazing FEMALE singer, especially one who probably wasn't even BORN when New Kids were all the rage. She rocked it though and did a great job (for a girl) . The highlight of her performance was watching this guy..

He was GETTING DOWN all throughout her music and then she debuted her new song called "I Am WOMAN" and that he was clearly NOT a woman did not deter him in the least from belting the lyrics at the top of his lungs and dancing to the music as if his life depended on it. I think for the 4 minutes of that song he truly believed in his heart that he was WOMAN! It was touching..and hilarious, mostly hilarious.

Once Jordin and her gorgeous hair left the stage, It took an interminable amount of time for them to prepare for NKOTBSB. It was hard on our hearts. Finally, the lights went down, the buildup music started playing...and kept playing....and kept playing...and I thought our heads were going to explode because the buildup? It was ridiculous. Pretty sure they played that build up intro music, had the smoke and lights going, for approximately 32 minutes before we finally saw the shadow of NKOTBSB behind the curtain. You know those signs they have at roller coasters that say something to the effect of "If you suffer from high blood pressure, heart conditions, are pregnant or nursing, you should not ride this roller coaster?" They totally need those signs at NKOTB concerts because it has basically the same effects.

And then BAM!.... fireworks went off and I screamed. It wasn't the "ahhh it's New Kids" scream it was more of the "OMG I'VE JUST BEEN SHOT" bloodcurdling kinda scream because I was so NOT expecting that and actually felt for a moment that I'd been shot but alas I was just at a New Kids concert with my heart beating irregularly outside of my chest. Then the curtain dropped and we saw this..

and died. The end.

Just kidding, but it was touch and go for a minute or a hundred and twenty minutes.

The concert started out with both bands on stage doing a compilation of both of their hit songs. A little NKOTBSB back and forth if you will. But then they would alternate and NKOTB would do 2 or 3 songs and then go away and BSB would do 2 or 3 songs. At first we were all, "Bye bye bye Backstreet Boys we want our New Kids back out here" but then we realized that "Bye Bye Bye" belonged to a different boy band and also, it gave us a few minutes to recover from New Kids being on stage so it worked out. But by the end BSB had grown on us and while we still wished they would just go already and bring back out our New Kids we enjoyed the time they spent on the stage and weren't singing them farewell songs. Then BSB did this..

Our emotions ran amuck ranging from jealousy to hopefulness that maybe New Kids would do the same (they didn't) to admiration of the girls chosen for keeping their cool. I'm telling you right now that if Jordan Knight had pulled me out of the audience and had me sit on a stool while he serenaded and danced around me I wouldn't be blogging right now and I more than likely would've made a spectacle of myself before I died right there on stage. I have no idea how these girls maintained their composure (and their morals), I applaud them.
And then our New Kids came back out and at some point Donnie ripped off his shirt to reveal a very chiseled 6 pack. Well, at least I think, it's all a little fuzzy between picking Annette up off the floor and trying unsuccessfully to focus myself. I powered through the pain and palpatations and somehow got this picture. Annette's nightstand may never be the same.

And who would I be if I withhold the awesomeness that is my NKOTB husband...Jordan Knight? ~~Unfortunately,~~ Jordan kept his shirt on the whole time. But he was magnificent nonetheless.

Hello my (other) love

Fun fact: Jordan Knight has brown eyes and is left handed and so is my son Blade. Coincidence? Hmmm...... ;)

Is this heaven? No, it's a New Kids concert.

When BSB left the stage and NKOTB appeared looking like this amid clouds of smoke and soft music I leaned over to Annette and said reverently, "I think this is what heaven must be like!"

Apparently, blogger cannot handle all the awesomeness in one post as it will not upload any more pictures. I can't blame it, it is a lot to take in. So I'll be back with, as Paul Harvey says, "the rest of the story." Although I'd be willing to bet Paul Harvey probably never said the words "the rest of the story" and "New Kids on the Block" in the same sentence. But I'm a trendsetter like that. Come back soon for more pictures and the final installment of the NKOTBSB concert recap.

Hot Off the...well, Just HOT

2011-07-20T22:19:00.000-05:00

Oh what's this, a post from the girl who said she'd never blog again?!? I told you sometimes it's just a mind game with myself. Just have to tell myself I'm done and then wham bam, there's the urge to blog again! I'm gonna keep blogging, sporadically of course, because that's how I roll.

Still working on the rest of the NKOTB recap and the vacation variety hour blog but for now I thought I'd join in with the rest of the cyber world and voice my thoughts about this heat wave we're under. Why? Because that's thrilling blog material, that's why. As for the heat, I love it, I cherish it, I relish in it...as long as I am either a) in air conditioning b) in a pool c) on a beach or d and probably most importantly) have a cherry dip cone accessible to me. I will take this weather over blizzard and freezing any day. Don't hate, hydrate!

OK enough boring weather talk, but I do have to share this heat related one liner GI Joe told me, "It's so hot that the butter cow has runs." Bah dah dah dum...I'll be here all week, folks.

Moving on....

You'll be relieved to know that I did not massacre my songs for Cheri's wedding on Saturday. I don't think even if I had messed up anyone would've noticed since most of the guests were passed out from heat stroke and all. Just kidding, it was a beautiful, emotional, outdoor ceremony that gave a new meaning to the words "glowing bride" (and everyone else). It was short and sweet and then the real fun began. You know it's going to be a good time when the reception time and location is posted on the gas station sign and the blinking marquee in the middle of town, and it did not disappoint. Small town Iowa, gotta love it. Such a fun night.

Consider this a catchy, witty segue from the wedding to an unrelated story...
I was at Sam's Club today and the man in line behind me asked me if I was a dancer or a runner because I have very beautiful legs. I responded by snorting, hysterical, rolling on the floor laughter because if there are two things I'm NOT it's a dancer (NKOTB dance moves don't count) or a runner. He was surprised and said, "Really? Because they look like you work really hard at them" to which I responded with more hysterical laughter. That my friends, is the power of wearing high heels. In fact, I'm having t-shirts printed that say, "Skip the run, wear heels." It's my life's motto.

Order yours today.

In other news, all 3 kids are back under our roof again for the first time in nearly a month. Before vacation, Dakota spent the week at my sister's in TN and then on our way home from vacation the boys were dropped off with her for their turn at Camp Hilary. Here's what I've learned from having 1 child in the house, especially when that child is a girl, a very tomboyish girl but a girl nonetheless.
*I only had to run the dishwasher every OTHER day instead of TWICE a day or at least daily.
*The amount of laundry to be done decreased dramatically when the boys were absent. So did the noise level.
*The house and most noteably the bathrooms, seemed to stay cleaner for longer periods of time with only Dakota home. Now I'm not saying that the boys are messy I'm just telling you what my research has shown.
*I was not subjected to even one second of WWE Raw or Smackdown or whatever else they call those events where grown men where spandex briefs and baby oil and pounce all over one another, and it was glorious. It was a welcome reprieve because the week before vacation when Dakota was gone and I was vastly outnumbered by boys I was subjected to excessive amounts of it. I still haven't recovered.
*That our life would be kinda boring with only one kid. Our house needs the noise, the Hot Wheels in unsuspecting places, the shorts hidden in the couch (why do they feel the need to strip down to their underwear whenever the mood strikes?), to feel like home. Remind me I said that in a day or two. :)

Upon the boys' happy return, we picked them up from the airport (they flew home BY THEMSELVES!), and we hadn't been in the car 10 minutes when I looked back and both boys were shoeless and shirtless and I could no longer hear myself think because of the mounting volume of their voices . You can take the boys out of the country but you can't take the country out of the boy, I guess.

Blade is all about the shirtless now because as he excitedly exclaimed to me, "Mommy, LOOK I have ABS! I got ABS in Tennessee! I have a 2 pack now!" And here we thought he was at his aunt and uncle's in TN spending quality time with them, who knew they had him on a STRENUOUS ab workout? I should probably book myself a trip to see them ASAP if that's the case.

I've made a new BFF. It's the sweet teenage girl at the ice cream shop in the neighboring town that we frequent, since our own town only has a Tropical Sno stand, not an ice cream shop. Every time we go there I order the same thing...a vanilla cherry dipped cone, double, triple, dip it as many times as you can, cone. Normally, wherever I order that I may get a double dipped but the dip stopped there, no matter how much I begged and pleaded for more dips. But someone finally took me seriously. Enter my new BFF. Last week when we were there she said, "Is it ok if I put it in a bowl because I've dipped it so many times it's too heavy for the cone?" IS IT OK?!? It's more than OK, it was the happiest ice cream cone of my life! I literally had to chisel the ice cream out of the bowl because there was so much cherry dip. It was a dream come true. Tonight, when we went the same girl was working and I told her I wanted it exactly like last week because that was the BEST.CHERRY.DIP.CONE.EVER. And she did not disappoint. This week when she handed me my cherry dip not-a-cone, it was swimming in the cherry dip, and I nearly cried. It was so perfect. Finally, an ice cream barista who understands my needs, who gets me. I hope she never goes away.

Big day ahead tomorrow. Gotta be up early to make the coffee, throw in a load of laundry, and WASH THE CHICKENS. You know, the usual. Dakota is making her 4H debut at the county fair tomorrow in the poultry show. Showing your chickens does NOT involve leading them around a show ring on a leash but it DOES involve dunking them in buckets of soapy water and then clean water to prepare them for showing. I'm sure that will be a sight to behold, I'll try to take pictures. All I know is that this fair stuff has me running around like a chicken with my head cut off (pun totally intended). We're new to this 4H thing and to the whole "showing" thing at the fair so I've made no less than 32 calls to the "Poultry Person" and/or the 4H Coordinator for our county. I mean, I do not want to be the one getting kicked out of the county fair for not having clean enough chickens. Wish us ~~cluck~~ luck!

Blogger ADD

2011-07-14T23:22:00.002-05:00

As it turns out I can't focus long enough to finish the next installment of the New Kids Concert Recap because I have other very pressing issues on my mind. Maybe once I get these out on the table I'll be able to wrap it up because I assure you, you'll want to hear how it ends. Spoiler alert: I ride off into the sunset on a tour bus with my favorite New Kid Jordan Knight and we pick up GI Joe along the way and my 2 husbands and I live happily ever after. OK so maybe that's not exactly how it happened but it's a thrilling story nonetheless, or at least it is to Robbin, Annette, and I.

But until then here are some things I really need to say in bullet points because as part of my BADD (Blogger ADD) that's all I'm capable of at the moment.

*Tonight I witnessed one of our roosters and one of our hens, umm...how shall I put this delicately?..."twitterpating." You may find this hard to believe but this is the first time my virgin eyes have witnessed such poultry porn. It was...disturbing. This is where you thank me for NOT taking pictures. You're welcome. I felt like I was invading their privacy by being in the yard and was tempted to bring out a CD player and play them some Barry White or throw a few rose petals in the barnyard but apparently Alice the hen doesn't have very high expectations. Aren't you glad I shared this sordid detail of my life with you? Again, just be glad there are no pictures.

*Over dinner I informed GI Joe that I wanted to do THIS. He literally coughed up his steak. Of course, I was completely kidding as I have about as much desire to ride my bike across Iowa as I do to witness more poultry porn. I mean, I don't even like to drive across Iowa IN AN AIR CONDITIONED CAR let alone RIDE MY BIKE. Also, you may or may not remember that the last time I took my bike out for a spin, I ended up with gravel road rash and torn yoga pants...IN MY DRIVEWAY. So yeah, Ragbrai is not for me. But GI Joe choking on his steak when I told him I wanted to do it? Worth it.

*I'm singing 2 songs in my dear friend Cheri's wedding this weekend. I wrote about Cheri here. And NO, she's not marrying the guy I wrote about in that blog. Initially we were all sold on him but in the end we wanted a refund. The guy she is marrying however, is a definite keeper which is why I haven't written about meeting him because I didn't want to jinx anything. My blog has that kind of power you know. Anyway, I've sang at a lot of weddings in my day but this one, THIS one is stressing me out big time. Why? Not because the songs are weird or wonky or anything but mainly because it's CHERI'S wedding. Cheri, the girl who sent out an email last weekend to all vested parties titled Wedding Week Activities with a break down by day and even hour of the events/schedules/expectations of the wedding party. She is amazingly organized and a perfectionist to boot so obviously my wedding singer performance has to be top notch. I've been practicing in my kitchen using a banana as my microphone for hours each night. It's a sight to see and hear I assure you. I'm sure Carrie Underwood clocked many an hour singing with a banana on her road to stardom. I've also come to realize that being a wedding singer might just be the highest pressure job in the entire wedding. All eyes and ears are on you and your performance will be forever recorded in wedding history. Wish me luck. Excuse me, I need to throw up now.

*Aaaand, I'm back. Tonight at 12:01 is opening night/day of Harry Potter Deathly Hollows Part 2. I myself, have never watched one single Harry Potter movie nor read any of the books. The other 4 members of my family however, LOVE IT. And guess what? GI Joe and Dakota (the boys are at my sister's) are going to the 12:17 A.M. showing because they just couldn't wait ONE.MORE.MINUTE to see it even though Dakota has already read the book and will probably be whispering spoilers to GI Joe throughout the entire movie. I'm fine with them going to the midnight showing, it's cute (and crazy) but I drew the line at dressing up in costume for the occasion. Not that either of them had their hearts set on Harry Potter glasses or black robes but I just had to put it out there in case it crossed their minds. However, when we were at my Wal Mart tonight @ 8:00 P.M....4 HOURS AND ONE MINUTE BEFORE THE FIRST SHOWING OF THE MOVIE....we saw a whole group of college aged kids all decked out in HP costumes. Hilarious. At first thought I just didn't get it but then I realized that if there was ever a remake of "Grease" released I just may have to dress up like a Pink Lady and be at the 12:01 showing. Who's with me?!?

*We returned Sunday night from our annual National LamKoons Vacation. This year's vacation took us to TN, Stone Mountain, GA, Tampa, FL, Orlando, FL, Fort Walton Beach, FL, Mobile, AL, New Orleans, LA, the swamp of LA, and Memphis, TN. I couldn't tell you about it ahead of time, you know for security reasons, but I will blog extensively about it in the near future. Good times, good times. After deleting out blurries, duplicates, and bad ones, I only have 685 pictures of the experience. I know, I'm a disappointment to all mankind. Hopefully, in those slim pickings I can also find some pictures to share with you. It was a great time and as I'm home in my oceanless state I keep asking myself (and GI Joe) "why do we live in a landlocked state again?" All I want is an oceanfront acreage where my cow and I can enjoy long walks on the beach and warm weather year round. Is that too much to ask?!? I think not.

Wish ~~you~~ I were here

*Speaking of blogging, which we weren't actually, but we are now, I feel like I'm losing my mojo. I keep tossing the idea around of being done with the blog because lately it's felt like more of a chore than a fun release for me. Probably because it's summer and there a million other things I feel like I need to be doing and only so many hours in the day and I may or may not have mentioned but mama needs her beauty rest so then when I neglect the blog I feel guilty and then neglect something else so I can blog and that too leaves me feeling guilty and it's just a vicious circle. Much like that was a vicious run on sentence. But on the other hand I really love having this to document our lives especially knowing that it makes people out there laugh and am 3000% sure that in 10 years from now it won't be the clean laundry or the weeds I pulled in the flowerbeds that I'll be glad I did, it will be the blog. But right now? My heart's not in it. So here's what I'm thinking, after I post the NKOTB finale (because I couldn't bear the thought of withholding that goodness from you) and our vacation recap, I think I'm going to take a break from blogging. This is really more of a mindgame I'm playing with myself because any other time I've said that, it's like I get my blogging mojo back instantly and I'm a blogging machine again, so let's see what happens. This is picture sums up how I feel right now..

I appreciate you sticking with me, I mean where else are you going to read about banana singing, poultry porn, and Harry Potter all in the same blog entry?!?

Happy Friday!

Love,
Prairie Princess

Unfinished: NKOTB Concert Recap Part 1

2011-07-11T20:18:00.002-05:00

Nothing like leaving you hanging for 2 weeks huh? My apologies. Maybe this long, overdue post(s) will make up for it. Or maybe not, but either way it's something.

Let's start with a moment of silence, because it's been over 3 weeks since I saw New Kids on the Block in concert. 3 WEEKS?!? I've used the time to reflect and organize my thoughts so that I can share in detail, the wondrousness of it all, with you.

Before we begin though, I need to get something off of my chest...Marky Mark was/is NOT one of the New Kids on the Block!!!! His brother, Donnie Wahlberg (aka Annette's other husband) IS. Sorry, it had to be said because if ONE.MORE.PERSON asks me if Marky Mark was there I may lose my mind.

OK, now that we've cleared that up, we can begin.

It started back in November when it was announced that New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys were teaming up to go on tour and it would be called NKOTBSB=New Kids on the Block Backstreet Boys. I'm only typing that all out once so stay with me. I will admit that when Annette and I first heard that Backstreet Boys were going to be with them, we were none too pleased. We'd prefer to spend the whole 2 hours of a concert with only our New Kids, we did not welcome the distraction that BSB (Backstreet Boys..last time) and their crazy fans would bring to the show. Backstreet Boys came out quite a few years after NKOTB had blazed the boy band trail for them. Their fans are mostly 20 somethings who may or may not how to know act appropriately at a concert and probably wouldn't fully appreciate the awesomeness of NKOTB. We're not judgmental at all. But we quickly adjusted and got tickets to the June 17th show in Chicago because at that time it was the closest one too us and also? Chicago=deep dish pizza and shopping on Michigan Ave so ummm, YES PLEASE. This time instead of just the 2 of us, Annette's high school friend Robbin, went with us. A little background on Robbin, she and Annette were of driving age and out of high school when NKOTB were big so instead of only living out their Step by Step dreams through a tape player and Tiger Beat posters on their ceilings, they actually followed them all over the country and saw them in concert MANY MANY times. My heroes. I loved listening to all the NKOTB stories the 2 of them told on our trek to Chicago. I also loved reminding them that while they were doing all of that I was 10. ;) But really, I was just honored that these 2 experienced NKOTB groupies would welcome me into the fold as they did.

Finally, after 7 months of anticipation it was here! We let Robbin drive for a couple of reasons 1) she's very familiar with Chicago meaning she was much better suited to get us there safely 2) you've heard the stories about my leadfoot and my unfortunate run ins (literally) with the bank drive thru and 3) her little Ford Escape was much more manageable on the streets of Chicago than Annette's and I's Princess Mobiles that would take up an entire city block.

Robbin's parents live a little more than halfway between here and Chicago so we drove to their house and spent the night on Thursday before the concert. Having never met Robbin's parents before I wasn't sure what to expect. I figured since Robbin was their daughter (and Robbin is awesome) that they couldn't be all bad. I was ill prepared they were beyond awesome. Robbin's mom was THE hostess with the mostest. Not only were there fluffy white robes hanging on the back of the bedroom door but she had a full breakfast buffet complete with pretty china and glasses laid out for us the next morning. Over breakfast she shared with us her love of Donnie Wahlberg's show "Blue Bloods" and asked us to ask him how he goes from acting like a cop to singing and dancing for thousands of screaming women. She was mystified by that. Then after breakfast she gave us all our own pepper spray and right there in the driveway, gave us a lesson on how to use them, making sure to tell us to NOT spray into the wind because then some could get in our eyes. She was hilarious and sent us on our way with full tummies, pepper spray, and a coupon for gas at the local gas station. Now THAT my friends is hospitality!
Also, she had trees that looked like lollipops and that certainly didn't hurt her case any.

I mean, have you EVER seen such a thing? Adorable. They are called Korean Lilac on a Strand, for you gardening types.
We arrived in Chicago a little after noon and immediately upon pulling into our hotel's parking lot we saw this..

That's when we knew we were in the right place and in good company!

Then we did the only thing you can do in Chicago when you get there around lunchtime...we ate pizza and photographed the whole event. Because if you don't have a picture of it, it didn't happen. Words to live by.

Then we walked along Michigan Ave and pretended we were the girls from "Sex in the City" except it wasn't New York City and there was no sex and we weren't wearing high heels. But a nice man did call us Charlie's Angels so we still must've looked the part. And I took more pictures..

No, we didn't look like tourists at all, why do you ask? OK so maybe we did a little and maybe at one point, Annette said to me, "I understand where your kids are coming from, enough with the pictures." Hahahaha.

After some shopping, it was time to head back to the hotel to begin the daunting task of trying to figure out what to wear to the concert and primping. That only took 3 hours. I tease, it was more like 2 and we were proud of ourselves considering the sheer volume of outfits we had to try on before we each decided on our "concert clothes" or as Robbin kept calling different things that came out of her suitcase "party shirts". Not to brag but we looked GOOD and were so ready for the concert. Then we convinced the busboy to take our picture for us. He was more than happy to oblige.

But it was still to early to head to the venue so we went downstairs to the hotel restaurant and bar. I tried to play some New Kids music on the jukebox but the bartender actually walked over to the jukebox and TURNED IT DOWN SO YOU COULDN'T HEAR IT halfway through the first song. The nerve. Some people are just so consumed with jealousy that they themselves are not a New Kid that they can't even bear to listen to them, the bartender was one of those sorry souls.

Finally, it was time to head towards the United Center for the culmination of 7 months of anticipation and planning. THE UNITED CENTER! Sidenote: When I was black ('92-'94) and even a little bit before I was black, I LOVED the Chicago Bulls, Scottie Pippen in particular and one of my lifelong dreams had been to go to the United Center to see them play. While that dream was never realized, going to the United Center to see New Kids on the Block would definitely do.

The best way for us to get to the United Center was by cab because it was too far to walk and not worth the hassle to drive. We left the hailing of the cab to our experienced city girl, Robbin, and sure enough she stepped up to the curb, flipped her hair,struck a pose and within seconds a cab came to a screeching halt at the curb. Well done, Robbin, well done. Of course I took a picture...I mean, who would I be if I didn't?

Our cabbie did not stink, understood English, and was actually kinda cute. His cuteness made up for his driving. We held hands and prayed "hail Mary's" (and none of us are Catholic) in the backseat as he manuevered through traffic all the while chatting to us about what we were in town for and then as serious as a heart attack, he asked us if we were visiting from LA?!? LA as in LOS ANGELES. If he only knew that one of the girls he thought was from Los Angeles was a bonified hick who enjoyed petting her cow and throwing chickens in her spare time.

Miraculously we made it to the United Center, unscathed, and picked up our tickets at Will Call. Why would we have tickets at the Will Call office when we bought them 7 months in advance, you might ask? Oh did I forget to mention that Annette had looked on Thursday before we left at where our original tickets were and discovered that they were in the nosebleed section and just couldn't bear the thought of those kind of seats when seeing our New Kids, so she bought 3 more tickets in a much more suitable section, closer to the stage? Because she did. Like 200 sections closer to the stage. We're kind of concert snobs like that. In the end, we had 6 tickets between the 3 of us. Sometimes in life, as the song says, you got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em and know when to upgrade*. (*I may have taken creative liberties with that song but I can assure you Kenny Rogers would agree.) This was one of those times that an upgrade was necessary and well worth it, as you'll hear about shortly.

And the concert hasn't even started yet!

To be continued....

End of an Era

2011-06-23T20:56:00.000-05:00

I know you came here today fully expecting and anticipating the post or posts all about NKOTB. I'm such a tease aren't I? Soon my friends, soon. These things take time.

Our small school has always been of the K-6=Elementary, 7&8=Junior High, and 9-12=High School. I've always loved that about our school and one of the reasons I was so happy our kids get to go there. Why rush them into junior high, the age of boycraziness, school dances, and organized school sponsored sports? I liked the idea of keeping them elementary school naive and innocent that extra year. I especially liked that since as of the '10-'11 school year we had a 5th grader in our family. I was reveling in the fact that we had ONE MORE YEAR of elementary after 5th grade before she was thrown to the junior high joyousness. Or so I thought...

Last August, before school started we attended the Open House. The Open House is where the kids can bring in their supplies and meet their teachers before the school year starts. As we chatted with Dakota's teacher, I noticed a sign up sheet on the desk at the front of the room. I moved a little closer to get a look. Imagine my surprise when it was the "5th Grade Graduation Snack/Supply Sign Up Sheet". Umm, what the what?!? I rudely interrupted the teacher as I was sure there was some mistake, I mean why would they have a 5th grade graduation when they weren't really graduating to anything but another year of elementary? I figured this teacher was kinda new and hadn't gotten the memo that our school was a K-6 type. After all, I've been here for 16 years and GI Joe for 33 years and it's ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY. To clarify, GI Joe has not been a student at that school for 33 years just in the community. I was sure it was just an oversight on her part, so I called her out on it.
"Excuse me, I see there's a 5th grade graduation sign up sheet here. Why is there a graduation ceremony when they aren't really graduating to junior high until after 6th grade?"
Smiling nicely and knowingly at me, "Oh didn't you hear, that changed, as of last year 6th grade is junior high."
Eyes getting a little misty, "But that can't be! We still have TWO WHOLE YEARS OF DAKOTA BEING IN ELEMENTARY. She can't go to junior high yet!"
And then Security came and escorted me out of the building... blah, blah, blah. :)

I should clarify and tell you that our school is a very small town school. So much so that K-12 is all housed in the same building, yeah we're so URBAN like that. Graduating to junior high does not mean going to another building across town with kids you've never met, only then to go to an even bigger high school 3 years later with even more kids you don't know. Oh no, junior high for our school means that you move "upstairs" to the junior high/high school area...with the same kids you've been going to school with since preschool and kindergarten. But STILL!!!!

So on Friday, June 3rd, our baby, our firstborn, graduated from 5th grade and is now officially a junior higher. Which feels really weird considering I feel like I just graduated from junior high a few months ago but that could largely attributed to my activities over the weekend which included but were not limited to..GOING TO AN NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK CONCERT AND ACTING LIKE I WAS 13 AGAIN!!! (Oh trust me when I say that you will definitely be hearing more about that trip.)

How can this be? I'm in serious denial.

I mean, this picture was just taken YESTERDAY...

(Please excuse the amateurish photo of a photo, I got a fancy new printer/scanner which I did not use to scan this photo. Why? Because it didn't work when I clicked the button and I couldn't figure it out. And yes, there are directions to it but who has time to read such things when there are actual BOOKS waiting to be read? I'll just wait for GI Joe to figure it out and tell me how to do it. In the meantime, this is what you get. You get the point, she was a baby just yesterday and a very cute one at that.)

As you can see there's been a big mistake because she can't possibly be graduating 5th grade and going into JUNIOR HIGH!

But the school system is convinced that she is so we sucked it up and attended her 5th grade graduation. I vividly remember my 5th grade graduation, I wore a pink and white dress with the yoke ruffle at the waist (do you remember those awful things?) and my mall bangs were in rare form that day. I remember we had to hold up a sign of what we wanted to be when we grew up. Mine said Pediatrician. Obviously, that worked out well for me. It would've, had it not been for that darn Chemistry and Math stuff. I don't understand why boring Chemistry and Algebra are sooooo important for a doctor...whatevs.

Dakota's graduation was nothing like mine. There was no Whitney Houston's "The Greatest Love of All" played (an injustice all it's own), no signs saying what they wanted to do when they grew up. You know what they did have though? AN HOUR AND 45 MINUTES OF recorder solos, awards for attendance, and 14 videos made by 5th graders with attempted comedic skits but were more like a remake of the Blair Witch Project, what with all the shaky, motion sickness inducing camera work, whispered voices, shrieking and all. The two highlights of the ceremony for us were a) when Dakota walked up to get her diploma. We were on the edge of our seats because we were sure she'd walk like a dragon or T-Rex to get it, not because she was being silly but because, umm...that's how she walks sometimes. But our fears were relieved when she walked up there like a NORMAL girl! A NORMAL GIRL!!! Happiest day ever. And she looked cute too because I had won the battle of whether or not she would wear a dress. Even though the conversation that morning went a little something like this...
"Why do I have to wear a dress?"
"Because it's GRADUATION DAY! You have to look nice!"
"It's dumb, it's not like we're wearing a cap and gown and we don't even get a REAL diploma..."
"You get a real diploma, it says you graduated from 5th grade and on to junior high."
"Oh yeah a lot of good that will do me. Not like I can get into college or anything.."
"Good point, but you're still wearing the dress and going to look pretty and please don't walk like a dragon or a t-rex when you're walking up to get your fake diploma."
And b) the little boy in front of us who kept randomly applauding at nothing. It was awesome. Here's an example..."In 5th grade we studied the continents and...(kid randomly applauding and screaming YAY).

We survived the ceremony and then it was time for the best part..the cookies and cake reception. Dakota was jubilant, I think mostly about the cookies and cake, girl has a major sweet tooth, and less about the whole diploma thing but either way it was fun. We took pictures of her with her favorite teacher and some of her friends.

This teacher has been a school staple for 30 some years, you know back in the good ol' days when elementary was K-6. She is loved by many, including Dakota.

Won't it be fun to see what these girls look like in 7 years at their high school graduation? Actually, no that won't be fun because that will mean SHE'S GRADUATING FROM HIGH SCHOOL. I can't stand the thought. Wander if we'll still have to tell her NOT to walk like a TRex to get her real diploma?

And just like that, we're parents of a junior higher. I'm not too worried about the first year of it though. We were telling Dakota that being in junior high means DANCES! Her response? "Ewwwww.....I think I'll be sick that night!" And that's what we like to hear.
Except that I was kinda looking forward to chaperoning the dances so I could show off my fantabulous "Hangin' Tough" dance moves. Yeah, I think junior high might not be so bad this time around, I have much better hair and Dakota has never even heard of mall bangs. But she HAS heard of New Kids on the Block, and let's be honest, that's really the important stuff you need to know for junior high, at least it was when I was in junior high. Now I just need to teach her the "Right Stuff" moves and it'll be smooth sailing from here.

Here goes nothin'!

Father's Day..Delayed

2011-06-21T18:31:00.040-05:00

I interrupt your regularly scheduled programming (aka Chicago/NKOTB recap) to bring you a little Father's Day poetry. Yes, I realize Father's Day was 2 days ago but I'm on NKOTB time. Bear with me.

So here's a little original Prairie Princess Poetry to tide you over. This was my Father's Day poem to my dad this year. I'm basically Edgar Allan Poe...seriously.

*A little background before we begin...I bought my dad a horn for his bike for Father's Day. He's been big into riding his bike as of late and one of my kids' favorite thing to do with their Papa is to ride bikes so a bike horn was an obvious gift. Or not, but it will make him laugh and frankly, the thought of my dignified Dad rolling thru his lakeside community with a horn on his bike makes me laugh too. And if he ever uses it? Oh help me Moses.

I present to you the 2011 Father's Day Poem to my Dad

I bought this bike horn for you
I thought you'd like it more than an "I Love Dad" tattoo

So you can honk it proudly when out on the road
Or when your grandsons ahead of you need to be slowed

When you honk it I hope you'll think of me
And how many gray hairs I contributed to thee

I know you're not one to toot your own horn (ha ha get it.....horn, like bikehorn see how I did that?)
But you should because a great dad you've been to me since the day I was born.

You taught me how to shoot hoops
So my sons I could whoop

And how to be strong and calm when the world is against me
When I'd much rather let them see my fury

You've shown me how to work hard
But not how to play cards (that's ok I learned anyway..blackjack anyone?!?)

You've set the bar high for men in my life
And undoubtedly saved me much strife

Through you I saw what a husband should be
And also how to properly enjoy Oreo cookies

So thank you for being a wonderful dad
Although I nearly drove you mad

I hope I've made you proud
Even though sometimes I'm a little loud

I'm so thankful for a dad like you
It's time to give credit where credit is due

Happy Father's Day Dad!
I Love You!

copyrighted by Prairie Princess Poetry 2011 (P.S. I made that up but Hallmark, if I see this poem on a greeting card, we will have words.)

Don't you agree that all that's missing from his bike is a horn?

Blast from the Past...NKOTB

2011-06-20T22:09:00.000-05:00

How was your weekend? Oh mine was alright. Nothing special...JUST WENT TO CHICAGO TO SEE NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK IN CONCERT (again)!!!!!

While I gather my thoughts try to put them in logical formation to fully convey the awesomeness that was my weekend, let's take a trip down memory lane. The year was 2008, the month November. Annette's 30 something birthday. NKOTB was out on their first comeback tour after 15? years away. I schemed with her husband and convinced him that he should give her tickets to that concert for her birthday. He did and had a very romantic weekend in Omaha planned for them that starred the NKOTB concert followed by a stay in a jungle themed hotel suite. But then he got a terrible case of the flu 2 days before the show and guess who she asked to go with her?!? ME! ME! ME! And that my friends was the start of something beautiful. (P.S. We did NOT use the jungle themed hotel suite.) Read all about it here, keeping in mind that this was long before I was a "real" blogger. I've come a long way since then...or not.

November 12, 2008
Just preparing for the blog that is sure to follow after tomorrow night's experience. I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am. Back in the day, Spike and I were total New Kids on the Block fans, we knew the dance moves, had our favorite guy, had our rooms wallpapered with their pictures that we cut out from Tiger Beat, the works. If you were alive and a tweener or a teenager during that time then you should totally get what I'm talking about. Those who did not like New Kids are nearly unAmerican. We never got to see them in concert then, wasn't even really an option considering our fairly strict church going parents would not be caught dead taking us to a NKOTB concert, especially at our young and impressionable ages. I never thought I'd get to see them, especially 16 years later. OMGoodness. My heart has gone into irregular rhythms just thinking about it. This has got to be how the people that got to see Elvis on the revival tour or whatever it was called after he'd been on hiatus and then came back felt!

Sadly, Spike won't be going with me, definitely next time. But rest assured, I'm going with probably THE NKOTB fan of all NKOTB fans. Lucky for her she was of driving age when they were big so she actually got to go to concerts and stuff while Spike and I were probably in her bedroom on Dunham St practicing our "Step by Step" dance moves.
The moral of the story here is check back on Thursday as there are sure to be stories, unless of course Jordan and Donnie seek us out in the crowd and ask us to join them on the rest of the tour as wardrobe consultants or something. Til Thursday....

It's THURSDAY!!! And I can't even go to bed first without blogging about tonight.

Best. Night. EVER. Quit judging me I mean behind my wedding, children's births, etc. I am still in recovery mode so forgive me of punctuation/spelling errors and skipping around.
I wanted to wear a sign today that said "I'm Going to New Kids Tonight!" and thought everyone I told should share my enthusiasm. I wanted to scream it from the rooftops. Instead I disowned a few friends today. How can I be friends with someone who in all seriousness said to me "Oh New Kids, isn't that the one Nick Lachey was in?" What?!? I'm done with you if you don't know at least the first names of all 5 members. HELLO if you were alive in '89 you have absolutely no excuse. I digress, somehow I made it thru the day slightly unfocused on my work or anything besides what to wear for the NKOTB concert where I was sure we would appear on the Jumbotron. That was major people.

Finally, Annette and I met up at our planned location to depart for the concert we've waited 17 years to go to. We were giddy with excitement. We listened to New Kids old and new stuff all the way to Omaha, "rehearsing" every word. I worked on our totally rad neon pink sign that was sure to get us "face time" with New Kids. I have to say, it was a stroke of genius, it said "Roses R Red, Violets R Blue, 20 Years Later We Still LOVE (actually I drew a heart here) YOU!" How awesome is that? Sure to land us on at least the Jumbotron if not on the tour buses. We arrived exactly 1.5 hours prior to showtime. We had said we would grab a bite to eat and just hang out until showtime, but who were we kidding? Who could eat at a time like that? We went into the arena, where Security promptly confiscated our hot pink sign, some bull about it being too big. HELLO, that was the point! How is Jordan going to read it from onstage if it's a measly 8 x 10? Whatev. Note to self: Next time we roll it up and put it in the back of our coat like we're wearing a back brace. I'm not kidding. So after our brush with the law we went to the turnstyles where they scanned our tickets. Except that I am beside myself by this point because we are actually in the same building as the New Kids On the Block, so I don't realize that there's a turnstyle. Instead I take a step and step OVER the turnstyle, cuz I'm Amazon tall I guess. Only when I got my knee caught in the turnstyle did I realize I should've gone THRU instead of OVER . This sent Annette and I into an immediate fit of hysterical laughter, which brought on a stern warning by another security guard that we should probably stop drinking for the night. Joke's on you mister as we hadn't even had so much as water on the trip there, so as not to have to miss a minute of the show to use the restroom. We're always thinking. Then we found our section and looked at our tickets and that's when I fell in love with Annette's husband, Jerry. Our seats were INCREDIBLE. Ummm yeah, 3rd row to the side of the stage. PERFECT! God Bless Jerry for buying his wife such good seats for her birthday and then getting the flu so that she took me instead of him! I am very anxious to sit in my fabulous seat so I climbed over a row instead of disturbing the people at the end of the row. This would mark the third incident of the night where I was reprimanded, and the show hadn't even started yet. An elderly woman masquerading as a Security Guard, whom we affectionately nicknamed Purple Heart because of the bravery and tenacity in which she did her job, yelled at me and told me it was unsafe and that if I had a bottle of beer it had better be in a cup. (Sidenote here: Apparently NKOTB has had some incidents that involved beer bottles being thrown at them by crazy fans hence the rule) Why oh why did every Security officer there think I had been drinking? I promise Dad, I wasn't. We finally got seated, by now nearly hyperventilating due to the proximity of our seats in relation to the stage. Our surrounding New Kids fans are cool and we chat with them about Purple Heart, the awesomeness of the New Kids, and take a few pics.

Then the opening acts start. The first one, oh my goodness, was Lady Gaga. I'm sure you probably have all her albums and if so I apologize for what I'm about to say. She's INSANE! She came out in this white space suit looking dress but after a few minutes rips the skirt of of it and is prancing around in white dancing briefs that were a little too tight and showing a little too much Hu Hot if you know what I'm saying. It was nearly obscene but it made us laugh and her music had a good beat as long as you didn't look at her. But really it could've been Elmo for all we cared it just didn't matter we were minutes away from seeing NKOTB. Then opening act 2 comes on, Natasha Bedingfield. She is super fantastic and didn't show off her Hu Hot so it was PG viewing. As good as she was, we were beside ourselves when she was done cuz that meant that it was TIME.

I thought one or both of us was going to throw up at this point, we were so anxious/nervous/excited/overwhelmed, that the boys who decorated our bedroom walls years ago were about to be on stage in front of us. We had discussed what to do in the event of a mecial emergency and had promised that we would not allow anyone to remove us from the arena for any reason (heart attack, stabbing, gunshot wound, whatever) until the show was over. Glad we had that talk. Finally, the lights went down. Oh my goodness, if you think 20,000 14 year old girls can scream, you should hear 20,000 soccer moms and 20 somethings. Wow! Deafening but incredible. The buildup nearly killed me, it lasted forever. Lights started coming up, the song started playing, no New Kids. I really thought my heart was going to stop. Then they just appeared, and we both lost our minds. I don't think the first 10 pictures I took once they came up out of the stage will turn out I was shaking so bad. I don't think words will do it justice, all I can say is it was a sacred moment, and we BARELY survived it.

The show began. Neither of us could stop screaming but we fit right in cuz neither could the 20,000 soccer moms. Who knew soccer moms could be so much fun? What? I can't hear you, speak up would ya? I cannot believe I am actually watching New Kids on The Block in concert. I felt 14 again. They still had all the moves, looked better than they did back then, and sounded AMAZING. Donnie told us we were a louder crowd than NY or even Boston. I bet he tells that to all the girls but it worked in making the deafening screaming even louder. They sing and dance to hit after hit, I am in awe. I never in a million years expected them to be this good after this long. These men are in their 30's and 40's for crying out loud and I was getting worn out just watching them dance. Or maybe it was from the screaming or the crazy NKOTB dancing we were trying to recreate in our row. Justin Timberlake has nothing on my Jordan Knight when it comes to moves. Song after song, we were snapping so many pictures I think we watched more of the show through our camera display screen than anything but we were just trying to capture the magic. I promise to post them soon. At one point they went offstage to do a wardrobe change (oh yeah there were many, they are that cool), and everyone is looking for them to come back on the front stage except for my very wise experienced NKOTB fan friend, Annette who spotted a circular stage with a piano on it towards the back of the arena floor. She was right and we got the first glance cuz everyone else was looking towards the front. She's so smart. They did some of their new, very hot, stuff on that little tiny revolving stage around a piano. By this time, I feel like I've just run in the Boston marathon, my chest hurts, my lungs ache, and my legs are shaky, but I was loving life. And then just when we thought it couldn't possibly be better than that, the boys jumped down from the round stage and headed towards the front stage passing right in front of us. WE WERE 3 ROWS FROM NKOTB! I got a very closeup picture of Jordan, SCORE. Sadly, they were surrounded by Security/Crowd Management and since the show was only about half over we opted not to leap into the air at them. Maybe next time.

The show kept going, the crowd is singing along to every song, not missing a word. Annette and I are no exceptions, I mean after all this is what we rehearsed for. There are about 7 men there total, all of which ended up on the Jumbotron at one point or another. And now here's where I break the bad news to you....we did not make it on to the Jumbotron. I blame it on the guard who took our sign but we were too close to even see the Jumbotron so who cares? Right in front of us and to our left was a little square that stuck out from the stage, where one of the boys would almost always occupy. And one time when Joey was singing one of his ballads to us, yes, directly to us, we were waving and jumping like crazy women (just an act of course), he looked right at us, pointed and winked. I swear it. I looked around us to be sure and I can assure you he definitely intended that for us. Say what you will, but it's official Joey McIntyre pointed and winked at us. Life is good. It got even better when Jordan (my first love) sang "Baby, I Believe In You" to me just like he did in the Step by Step VHS tape. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. You know, black pants, white shirt unbuttoned all the way blowing in the wind. If I were a smoking woman, I would've smoked half a pack after that. Then the part of the show we'd been dreading all night....the end. They disappeared once and led us to believe it was the end. But of course they couldn't end the show without singing Step by Step or Hangin' Tough so 2 encores later it really was the end. I thought we were both going to start bawling. How can they be gone again after all this time? We didn't want to leave, we just sat in our seats for a few minutes soaking in the moment, trying to recover our hearing, our voices, etc. Until we got yelled at by another Security Guard, not Purple Heart, but a different, more intimidating looking one, who told us to move it that we couldn't sit there all night. What's up with that? Could he not have just let us enjoy the moment? If he doesn't understand the significance of the experience he needs to seek other employment. Some people. We stopped on the stairway to take yet another picture and to receive yet another reprimand from aforementioned Security Guard to get moving. We took one more glance back toward the stage, sighed, and trudged up the stairs.

This is the part in the story, where ideally I would be telling you what their tour buses looked like inside and how nice and down to earth they were when we met them. Again, I blame the guard who took our sign but after some reflection Annette and I both decided we just weren't ready for that, we may not have been able to physically survive. It could've been the very thing that put us over the edge to a heart attack or a stroke. We were borderline by the end of the show, it was just too risky. After watching a very entertaining rendition of the Hangin Tough dance by some drunk ladies in the parking lot we headed off to find the buses cuz that's what we do. But let me tell you those Omaha people are smart and had a security checkpoint on the road to get to the buses. Total nonsense. We could see the buses from the interstate overpass and thought about parking on the shoulder and scaling down the bridge but we both had heels on, not proper footwear for scaling bridges.

Then it was time for the afterparty. We cranked up the New Kids tunes, rehashed every detail of the concert, and drove to a Truck Stop. Party like rock stars, that's how we do it. At the Truckstop we loaded up .. party supplies: ibuprofen, caffeine, and Rolaids. This is where I'd rather be 14 with a curfew then a sleepy 30 year old with a killer headache and heartburn and no curfew. All in all, it's now 3:35 in the morning and I've still got goosebumps from the magic that was the NKOTB show and have not come down off the high. Think I'm just going to stay in my PJ's and eat bon bons all day tomorrow to get over the post show depression, it may even require retail therapy, it's too soon to say.

Hanging Tough...who's going next time?

To be continued......

Friday Fail

2011-06-09T23:13:00.001-05:00

I just spent an hour writing the most riveting, awe inspiring blog post ever only to have everything but one measly sentence get randomly deleted. So that's awesome.
Oh and by riveting and awe inspiring, I mean an in depth look at my hatred of car shopping and my equally intense love of queso. It was edge of your seat, thriller, stuff.
But alas, it wasn't meant to be. And it's now way past my bedtime so instead of trying to reinvent the wheel, I give you with this.

Happy Friday and I hope your weekend is filled with moments like this...carefree, fun, wind blowing through your hair and gravel dust in your teeth, or tooth as the case may be.

Ahhh summertime.....

Have a great weekend!

Quacking Up

2011-06-05T20:24:00.000-05:00

I don't know about you, but I went through a very awkward adolescent stage. Big mall bangs, crooked teeth, tight rolled jeans, the works. But it wasn't quite THIS bad...

STOP..in the name of duck!

Do you think I'm ~~sexy~~quacky?

Whatchyou lookin' at Willis?

Ugly ducklings need love too.

Looking like he just stepped out of a salon.

Do you think someday I'll be as handsome as him?

He struts around here like he knows he looks GOOOOOOD. Show off.

They carry him around like he's some kinda prize or something. Pfffftt...

Oh well, at least I have a shoulder to cry on. And way cooler hair.......

Cupcake Catastrophes

2011-06-01T21:19:00.000-05:00

My name is Prairie Princess and I'm a cupcakeaholic. I cannot stop baking cupcakes and I'm not sorry. To bake them makes me happy.

I've been on a cupcake baking spree lately. Just practicing for that "someday" when Annette and I open our own cupcake bakery. We already have a perfect name for it. Wish I could tell you what that is but copyrighting is tricky like that, but trust me it's FABULOUS.

Is it just me or do cupcakes generally make people happy? Because just baking them makes me happy. Sure, I'll force one down once they're done even though I'm usually so full of quality control samples of frosting and batter that I'm almost sick, but seeing people heartily and blissfully enjoying one of my cupcake masterpieces? SWEET.

Here are a few I've tried recently and then I'll tell you about when bad things happen to good cupcakes. It's riveting material, I tell you.

Lemon Blueberry Cupcakes . I thought for sure I had taken a picture of mine but can't seem to find it. Mine ended up looking remarkably similar to the ones on the website. These cupcakes looked and tasted like sunshine in spring. Citrusy and refreshing. And the frosting? Well, let's just say I had some leftover and dipped strawberries in it for a little afternoon snack. It's delightful.

Margarita Cupcakes. Based loosely on this recipe. Instead of using real tequila I bought the non alcoholic margarita mix and used some of that in both the cake batter and the frosting. Funny story behind these cupcakes. I was actually going to use the tequila that it called for because I was making them for myself for Mother's Day. I am not a fan of Mother's Day since well, my mom died and then adding in that GI Joe was supposed to work and there was a soccer game and practice. I thought a little tequila in the cupcakes might take the edge off. So what if I ended up dancing on the bleachers at the soccer game with frosting all over my face? It was my party and I can eat cupcakes if I want to! The only problem came when we were grocery shopping and I said to GI Joe, "Distract the kids because I need to buy tequila." I knew that if we pushed the cart down the liquor aisle in search of tequila they'd be dialing up the prayer chain at church and putting us on it. So I was left alone to peruse the liquor for tequila but couldn't find the mini bar size that I so desperately needed and I certainly didn't think having a fifth of tequila in the cupboard (next to the brandy of course) would be a good idea. I gave up the search and when I got in the car had to shake my head dejectedly when GI Joe asked in a hushed whisper "if I'd gotten the tequila?". The next day it was just the kids and I at my Wal Mart and I figured it was my last chance to procure a mini bottle of tequila for my cupcakes so I told them to close their eyes because we had to go down the "bad aisle" so Mommy could get something for a recipe. I don't know if you're aware of this but telling your kids to close their eyes is basically like telling them, "KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN AND COMMENT LOUDLY ON EVERYTHING YOU SEE". So as we were hurriedly going down the liquor aisle they were shouting things like, "MOMMY WHY DO YOU NEED BEER?!" or "MOMMY!! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BUY THAT STUFF!!!". Finally, I told them to help me look for a bottle with the word "tequila" on it because I needed it for a "friend" who was making a recipe where the bad part of the tequila cooks out anyway. So then their shouts of condemnation turned into "MOMMY, WILL THE BOTTLE THAT HAS V-O-D-K-A ON IT WORK?" and "MOMMY I FOUND THE TEQUILA...AND IT'S A HUGE BOTTLE...IS THAT ENOUGH MOMMY?"
After all that I still couldn't find a mini bar sized bottle. But after all that I was definitely ready to commit to the full bottle. To make a long story longer, sadly, I did not use real tequila in my margarita cupcakes and they were great. They actually tasted like a margarita, not that I can either confirm or deny those claims, but from what I've heard they taste just like these cupcakes. Yum.

Then there were these cupcakes....

Peanut Butter Stuffed Hot Fudge Cupcakes aka heaven in cake form. Here's the recipe. It really is so easy and less overwhelming than it looks. Oh and amazing. I made these cupcakes 3 times in 2 weeks. After eating these cupcakes, I had one marriage proposal and 7 declarations of undying love....seriously These cupcakes are LIFE CHANGING. Make them you won't be sorry.
You know who else loved these cupcakes? MY DOGS. I made a special batch for my friend Dougie D, who is my partner in Reese's crime and enjoys peanut butter+chocolate maybe even more than I do, who we were meeting for wings one night. We had some time to kill after the cupcakes were done and frosted before it was time to head into town for our wing date. GI Joe, the kids, and I went on a little adventure into the woods to look for mushrooms. About 20 minutes into our excursion, it hit me that I couldn't remember putting the cupcake carrier full of these babies out of reach of Moose and Bubba. We hurried home and sure enough when I walked into the kitchen I found my cupcake carrier on the floor, with the lid still on, covered in teeth marks. The good news is that they didn't actually get to the cupcakes, the bad news was they dragged the cupcake carrier all over the kitchen trying to get it open so the once beautiful, picturesque cupcakes made especially for Dougie, were one big mess of chocolate cake and peanut butter frosting. Doug had so been looking forward to these cupcakes that I absolutely could not let him down so I got to work spooning the cake/frosting mess into the cupcake liners that had held the once whole cupcakes. I didn't win any awards for presentation but we dug into those cupcakes with spoons after we ate our wings that night and Dougie was one happy camper. Turns out he's really not concerned with the cupcake appearance anyway. Weird.

I've also made these...Strawberry Cupcakes with Swiss Meringue Strawberry Frosting. Doesn't that sound fancy? They were fancy and delicious. In the future, I may just whip up a batch of this frosting and serve it as Strawberry Mousse for dessert because WOW. Bonus points for pinkness.

And these....Cookies and Cream Cupcakes. Have you EVER?!? Oreos + Cupcakes + frosting that tastes like the middle of said Oreo=truluv4eva.

I think these might be my favorite so far, thanks in large part to the frosting. And now my mouth is watering.

How 'bout you? Hungry yet?

How about now?

THESE.....Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cupcakes. Read that again and I'll wait a minute while you let the awesomeness sink in. The cupcake part of this reminded me of a chocolate chip muffin which was nice and unassuming until you got to the middle and got a bite of real cookie dough! REAL COOKIE DOUGH!!! Like the kind DQ puts in their Blizzards. Miraculous! And then there's the frosting. The frosting tastes like the beginning stages of cookie dough, you know before you put the flour in and it gets all thick and pasty? No matter how much I beat the frosting it still had a little bit of the graininess from the sugars combined with the butter. At first it bothered me, but then I realized that just made it that much more authentic cookie dough like and went ahead and ate my weight in cookie dough frosting. Hey, we all have our crosses to bear.

That's what I've been up to, my own little Cupcake Wars. However, instead of competing against other cupcake makers, my cupcakes are competing with my scale and I think it goes without saying who's currently in the lead. But like the sign in my kitchen says....

KEEP CALM HAVE A CUPCAKE!

Blade Accolades

2011-05-30T18:50:00.000-05:00

In this gig called parenting, it's hard to know if you're succeeding. Sure, Dr. Dobson and Dr. Spock have their thoughts and theories, but when it comes right down to it, it's anybody's game. GI Joe and I call ourselves Worst Parents of the Year (every year) but secretly, or not so secretly actually try to be the best parents WE can be, paying no mind to everyone else's expectations and guidelines. We do things our way and while some might say making our kids run laps around the yard boot camp style until they're crying for mercy and ready to puke as punishment is too harsh, we say it is effective. And while some may say we're being too old fashioned or narrow minded by not allowing our kids to talk on the phone to classmates of the opposite sex in 2ND GRADE, we say who cares (and p.s. keep your overly flirtatious daughters away from my boys). Anyway, with all the pressure on parents these days it's good to get some affirmation from outside sources once in awhile that you are doin' something right.

We had affirmation like that recently and at the risk of sounding boastful, I'm going to blog about it. Hate me if you must. Or ask me for parenting advice, whichever. ;)

Blade just finished up his soccer season last weekend. His team actually had a makeup game on Wednesday night but we'd let the coaches know that Wednesday night was church night and Blade would not be able to be there. I sent a note to both of the coaches thanking them for coaching and here are their replies.

*Brag Alert-Continue reading at your own risk*
Coach #1
I hope it gets rained out also as it won't be the same without Blade there. :)
He was a joy and a "natural". Very kind and listened well--- you raised a good
boy. :)) Janel did all the teaching..... I'm just in charge of "administrative
duties". :) I am glad he enjoyed it and especially thrilled that he had such a
super last game. He should continue on playing---he's very talented.

Coach #2
Blade was great to coach and is a talented and very cute boy! I really liked
him and would love to have him again in the spring if I coach u-10 again. He
was always respectful and willing to do whatever I asked in practice..never
messed around. Credit to the parents!
We really missed him in the game yesterday..sure we would have won with him.

You guys, I can't tell you how happy this makes me or how big the lump in my throat is when I read this (well, once I reread it to make sure it wasn't a mix up and they were in fact, talking about our Blade....I tease). It's one thing for us as his parents to think our kid is great but when other people say it, there's just nothing better.

Most importantly, maybe he won't turn out to be a serial killer, because after all that is our ultimate goal as parents, right? Not to have our kids grow up to be serial killers? And if they happen to gain a reputation as a respectful, kind, talented, kid along the way, well then, that's just icing on the cake.

I'd love to show you a picture of him smiling while playing soccer but there aren't any. See this face? This is his game face and not a smile is cracked until the game is over and his team has won. And if they didn't win? Fughettaboutit, no smiles. Intensely competitive might be a slight understatement. A serial killer? No. A fierce competitor who may take his sports a little too seriously? Guilty as charged. No idea where he gets it from.